I Won't Give Up

So I have been talking on how I am obsessed with Daryl Hall and his show.  I originally hated Jason Mraz because his song "I'm Yours" was so overplayed I couldn't stand it and somehow categorised it as cheese.  Well I take it all back.  He really is a talent and I love his song "I Won't Give Up".  See it on Daryl's show here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-3TJlTLjxKo and here
http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/jasonmraz/iwontgiveup.html are the lyrics.  Check it out.

That said, I have to write something very personal.  When I came down with pneumonia I was coughing and involuntarily vomiting often.  I started not being able to breathe, I was not in a good place mentally or physically.  When I really thought I was done for, I called Iva and said take care of Quincy I am calling an ambulance.  I really was ready to call this life quits and make amends spiritually and was ready and resigned to see Paul again.  I felt this utter sense of peace at that.  Then, everyone visited me or reached out to me...my sister, my dad, Iva, friends, family, etc.  I felt guilt if I were to leave them.  That they would feel hurt for my loss.  I tried to get better and listen to the doctor's orders the best I could.  During that time, I never felt so alone  even with people constantly around me caring for me.  I have friends that told me after I snapped out of this dark mental place that they thought my depression was going to kill me because it was affecting me so much physically.  I decided one day that if I am going to live the time Paul never had that I have to really live and not live in the past.  I also promised myself to never go to that dark place ever again and that Paul would never want that for me. Any excuses for not moving on or guilt were coming from me and me only.  Paul (and I realize now also his friends and family) would only want me happy.  Well, as crappy as this hurricane is it has made me move forward in ways I never thought I'd be ready for.  I don't think I was/am ready but I am giving it my all.  I am becoming myself again and smiling and living.  I will never lose Paul in my heart.  He will always be embedded in my soul with an unbreakable chain.  A really beautiful person recently told me that it is not that you are extinguishing the love you had by trying again, but more like the light from one candle is igniting another and spreading the light and love to another and sharing the warmth.  I probably have that a bit off, but that is the sense of it.  Anyway, being understood and able to share in everything is very important and that is what I am doing both here and in life.  I love all my friends and family and want you all in my life.  I am just starting a new one with beautiful memories of the most wonderful soul I ever met that taught me life, love and music.  I love you Paul and always will.  "I won't give up" on myself again or what you have tried to give me...confidence in myself and strength and your love.

The Light From Your Star is Glowing

So I have been re-obsessed with Daryl Hall lately like I was in my childhood.  Butch Walker had made me swoon when he all of a sudden started to cover Rich Girl a few years back.  I remember my dad got me Big Bam Boom (I think that was the name) when I was in elementary school.  It was one of the only cool music tapes he ever got me on his own.  Anyway, after Butch Walker tweeted that he was on one of the episodes of Daryl's show, "Live at Daryl's House", I became beset again.  I always loved Daryl's music and so did Paul (which is actually shocking to me).  Anyway, we meant to try and see him if he ever played around.  It just didn't happen in his lifetime.  I watched the song Butch did with Daryl, "Why Was it so Easy" over and over and over and the complexity and chord progressions of that song are incredible.  I never noticed that before.  I was more into the more commerical songs.  Then, I found out that my sister in law was on the label that did one of Hall and Oates's albums.  When they were recording the song "Adult Education" they called her in to do some background with a few others so it would sound like school girls.  She met both Daryl and John and was impressed.  Now I am engrossed with the song "Sara Smile".  Never really paid attention to its complexity before and had previously thought it a boring song.  Now I see the genious in it...

    I can feel you watching in the night
    All alone with me and we're waiting for the sunlight
    When I feel cold you warm me
    And when I feel I can't go on, you come and hold me
    It's you and me forever.....

Paul, no matter what, you will be forever embedded in my heart.  You will never lose your place.

PS- the title is from "Why was it so Easy" by Daryl Hall.

Wish you were here

Dear Paul,
I feel so lonely all the time and hate that I can't talk to you (well I could but I won't be hearing a response). I miss you so much...you and M. The house is so quiet with just Q and me. Being sick and not being able to do anything and being in the house makes it so much more profound. I love you. I will never understand why you were taken well before your time and I will never get over it or stop loving you. Why?

Title is from Pink Floyd

Dead to Me

I am extremely upset today.  The birth of a child is miraculous and a gift.  It isn't supposed to make someone so upset they can't function.  It is a Jewish tradition to name a child after a deceased family member.  Paul's both parents are deceased as well as him.  His niece's first son was named after the husband's (who the husband is Italian and not part of the naming tradition) grandfather and a grandfather on the paternal side that the niece never met and who was supposed to not be very nice.  This was instead of grandparents on the maternal side that loved them (not to mention the grandmother, Paul's mother, was a Haulocaust survivor) and a paternal grandmother that they did know and loved and both grandmothers shared the same initial A.  When Paul was alive, he was so upset, he didn't see the child or attend the Bris (though we did send a gift with his sister Iva).  he would have calmed down but he didn't get the opportunity.  I didn't go becasue of Paul's hurt and because I had to work and they gave me no prior notice.  Paul died without ever meeting his grandnephew.  I met him at Paul's burial.  I also met the grandnephew at a Jewish holiday and it made me cry watching them as a happy family as I was miserable.  They seemed so not affected by Paul's passing though Paul tried so hard to be a good uncle even though there was only like 10 years age difference between the two.  Anyway, the new son was born and I myself told his niece why Paul didn't see the nephew.  Though it maybe considered petty by an outsider, Paul was extremely hurt and distraught that they didn't name the son after anyone on the maternal side.  Especially when we all discussed names with A and how important it was to him/us before the baby was born.  So once the new baby was conceived and the due date was announced to be Paul's birthday, I got extremely upset and so did Iva, so much so that Iva told her sister that if the baby comes on Paul's birthday and isn't named after Paul she is done with them.  I tended to agree.  Then, I prayed that the baby wouldn't come on Paul's birthday so that they could celebrate every year when I was in utter dispair.  They didn't desrve his good name.  I and Iva just hoped and prayed the baby would come another day and it would be named after one of the maternal grandparents, even if a middle name.  Well, I stayed up well past midnight on Paul's birthday to 3am and then when there was no call the next morning I breathed a sigh of relief.  The baby was born today.  A message was left on Iva's answering machine and it was mentioned that the baby was not named after Paul on the message and the name is Matthew...M...the same initial used last time for the last baby.  I am done.  I am now done releasing my grief in words, now I will continue expunging with tears.  Paul, if he were still alive, would have never spoken to his niece again if she didn't name now the second son after his parents.  Call it petty.  Call it what you wish, but when Paul was done he cut you off.  He was loyal to a fault, but when he was betrayed, he never forgot.  I have to do what he would have wanted me to.  I am going to rewrite what was our will today.

Testosterone Poisoning

Yuck. Why do pompous male chauvinistic ugly men who, because they have lots of money, think they can any woman they want?  This is the guy who came to give a quote to fix my sister in law’s house.  Did I mention that he is married and bragging about his house, kids and wife.  Triple gross.  Also, even worse is when he checks me out in front of my sister in law as we are talking about my poor husband’s passing.  Of course I am oblivious to it thank god.  Obviously this guy is hurting for work or he wouldn’t be calling at 8AM the next morning for pricing he did the night before.  On top of all that, he was upset when I cut him off and finished his sentences while he was going on and on because I couldn’t wait for him to get to the point with his slow moving brain.  He was even more pissy when he realized I knew what I was talking about when it comes to construction.  Most males are shocked, but not so taken aback by it.  A girl with looks and brains and mechanical thinking.  Unheard of in his prehistoric brain.  Like that can’t happen in life.  I wonder if his wife is homely and smart or a bombshell with more weight in her boobs than her noggin.

This guy reminds me of the girl in the song below...

Did you come up to me
So your night would be cheaper
Did you make up your mind
About me from the start

Did you come here tonight
To find something deeper
Or did you just follow me home
'Cause you're afraid of the dark
...

--"Last Night" by Carolina Liar

Here I come to save the day...Or NOT

I was so exhausted yesterday and dizzy that I decided to work half a day from home.  At some point I turned the TV on and Superman III was on.  I left it and started looking at the TV every once in a while thinking about how Christopher Reeve was whole and an icon.  Then I was remembering him as more of a hero in a wheelchair and vying to help others with spinal injuries like him.  Then I got really angry remembering how Paul had run his fundraiser and spoke almost daily with Christopher Reeve's daughter during the process and how he had thought her a friend.  What kind of friend doesn't call back or doesn't send an email or a card to the widow of someone who is not only supposed to be their friend but who stood up for the foundation and gave them the money from the charity event (even though Lucky Laces and he did all the work, spent all the money and did all the promotion for the event)?  OK, this has been stewing for over a year.  Not only did they not mention Paul's passing in any way (just like they never promoted the Charity event themselves), but they never even had a lackey send me a card.  Anyway, had to get that out.  Oh and I called her work number, her personal cell and sent a text.  Lucky Laces alerted her as well.  She did not call them or me.  Shame on you for tarnishing your good father's name and the foundation he and your mom set up.

PS- the quote today was partially from Mighty Mouse (and it also makes me think of Andy Kaufman who Paul loved).

Summertime In The Void

I have been in a shit mood for days.  I think the family get together really upset me.  Everyone was coupled and most with kids and some with grandkids.  Except for my sister, whose chose it is to be by herself, I was the only one alone.  I have never felt so alone.  I am lonely and missing Paul something fierce.  I got happy yesterday for about thirty seconds when I noticed a new I Mother Earth song and that they were on tour again.  I wanted to tell Paul and we would have figured out a way to get there even if we both went separately so not to upset Marvin.  Then I thought, this is one more thing Paul didn’t get to see in his lifetime…an IME reunion and new song.  Then I said, who would even go with me to a show or get IME like we both did?  I think about my friends that try to be there and how I just can’t pick up the phone to talk or be a friend to them.  How can I?  I am miserable.  How can I listen to daily goings on or be supportive when people need me?  I try as I do, there is a part of me that just doesn’t give a rats ass about anything.  I just want Paul and Marvin back.  I know I am not moving on as I get lectured by ignorant people and that make things a million times worst because they don’t get it and hurt me more by the stupid things they say, meant from the heart or not.  I will move on when or if I am ready and not before.  I don’t need to be lectured.   I don’t need things pointed out to me.  I am a pretty smart person and I see things as they are and I can turn the mirror on myself better than most.  I am allowed to feel like this sometimes.  I feel I have been strong for a long time.  Now I am allowed some few days of sulking.  Sometimes I wish to be just left alone.  I pile on the guilt of missing out on important things that should mean something to me, but that is my nature.  I hope this blog becomes useful to some.  That is its purpose.  I am really not trying to piss anyone off, just to be very honest and truthful to myself and to get those feelings expressed so that anyone else going through something similar won’t feel as alone as I.  Yes, I know I am not alone and that if I am it is of my own making, but the fact is that is how I feel.
 

“No time or presence
Of mind to wonder why
No time for questions of
Why I wonder why
Something's wrong...again
The noise shakes the ground
…

And then you long
For the days of trippin' down
The long road just reading the
Signs that show you the way to
A higher place you meditate to
Feel the quiet of the earth
That was back
When we used to be alright”

-I Mother Earth (Used to be Alight)

PS- the title is the same of the Song "Summertime in the Void" by I Mother Earth (IME)

You left without a trace. No one can take your place. I'm missing you.

Just found this:

---

From: uapeople
Sent: Thursday, December 21, 2006 2:53 PM
To: Barbara Voss
Subject: you

i just wanted to let you know that you are like wine!

you get more beautiful every day!

I love you!

Paul

 

PS- title is from Enuff Z'Nuff

So yes, she died because of me. Because I loved her. Because I had the wrong name....

Didn't feel good yesterday.  Such a pounding sinus headache all day.  Hopefully I'm not getting sick.  Tried to retire early at 8PM.  I put the TV on and the English Patient had started 15 minutes prior.  I decided to watch it.  It was really long and I paused it to take a shower.  Well, needless to say it ending at 11:15PM or so and I am crying.  I can't sleep becasue the combo of the shower and the sadness that had me crying all over for all those I've lost...and the movie.  Good movie though.  Slow moving but good.  I decide to watch Design Star which I taped previously.  Somewhere after midnight I finally fell asleep.  Add that to the night before where I just had to start and finish a book the same day it was released.  Jeaniene Frost's new book Once Burned is about Vlad Dracul Basarab (the Impaler) who I love love love.  She is my favorite author immediately behind Diana Gabaldon (who is one of JF's favorites, too).  After that it is a crap shoot for other favorite authors.  Charlaine Harris used to be there, but my love has dwindled in the last few books.  Anyway, I digress.  Hopefully I will not be sick and be rested for my trip to PA tomorrow to see Steve, Keri, Todd and watch Styx.

PS- Today's title is from the English Patient

Butch Walker's post on Paul

http://butchwalker.com/post/5821835975/our-good-friend-and-biggest-fan-paul-kuznetz

 

our good friend and biggest fan Paul Kuznetz passed away unexpectedly last night. he was a good soul with a rock n roll spirit that could not be contained. me and the Widows send our condolences to the family and hope everyone else will take the time to respect the time you have here on this planet… Paul went too soon…..
much love, Paul.
Butch and the Black Widows

As You Wish

I have to repost this.  Paul and I wanted to both get a black widow spider matching...the one from Butch Walker's band.  I just saw this and tears are streaming down my eyes.  This is so very sweet and touching and binds Butch and his dad together in one more way.  I just have no words.  I wish Paul and I had gotten the tattoos.  I wish so many things...

http://instagr.am/p/MO86K0lDmw/

PS- the quote is from the Princess Bride

And In My Dreams I'm there by Your Side...

So I wake having this dream where I am walking Marvin on a leash and Paul is with me.  We walk into this strange indoor outdoor petstore called or in Hollywood and Ted Knight (the actor) is the owner.  It felt at first like we were walking in Rockville Center.  The store is easily accessible since there is no walls to the outside.  There are these stairs with that fake green grass on top. Marvin is walking like he was a pup so he has no trouble pulling me to the store and up the large 3 steps.  Then there are pits like jungle gyms where dogs could get hurt.  I went in one to try and get Marvin a treat.  Marvin was scared for me.  Paul was outside the store just watching.  Marvin kept trying to eat or get to the parrots and I was afraid he's get hurt in the weird pits.  Haze.  Iva and I are watching House Hunters on TV and notcing how crappy an area this gorgous house is in CA and we say that is all we could afford if we moved there.  Haze.  Paul and I are looking at this house but we are more interested in this crappy basement apartment and trying to figure out how to make it into something an office or a livable apartment.

Then the alarm goes off.

I turn off the house alarm and walk by the fish tank to let Quincy out and the big clown loach is dead.  I hadn't seen the smaller one in a week.  Now there is only the sucker catfish in this huge tank.  Another end of an era.

I open the door and let Quincy out and there are 2 white butterflies kissing and then a third appears.

Just bizarre.  Had to share.

PS - Title is from Styx's One with Everything.

In the end, there's nothing more to life than love is there?

For those of you who always remembered Paul as upbeat and the glass half full kind of guy, he definately had his issues and was very introverted about them.  He was tormented at times, but he would never trouble others with his really deep internal struggles, only those at the surface and in the moment.  We all have our demons.  That place inside that we lock up tight in a box.  They are hidden deep in dark recesses to keep ourselves from reaching, remembering or facing them.  It is very eerie to see what Paul was seeing in the paintings and that he was wondering what the point of it all was.  I think after the second accident when he lost his ability to play music, he was able to see what he lost and what he had around him.  If he could talk to us now, he would say that the point of life is love of all things.  He tried to give back the best he could and appreciated everything he had.  He inspired and praised others and started expressing his feelings.  He did know who he was and found that meaning he was looking for.  I truly believe that in my heart.  He got to do his charity event and even a radio interview for Q104.3 and he forgave all that hurt him in his life.  He found old friends and made so many new ones.  He found love and he was loved by all.  His life was short, but he will be remembered by the so many he touched.

Paul wrote this in a notebook on 1/8/98

I believe I've entered into this to find some sort of answer. I believe that I have been searching for something forever. Since my earliest memory, I have found life to be eccentric and unfullfilling. I've had my dreams shattered, my beliefs challenged and my perception distorted. What I intend to do is to record my thoughts and feelings in an attempt to find out who I am. This will have no order and no pre-thought. It will simply be a record of thoughts of the moment. The amazing thing is that I believe I was put here for a reason and I don't know if in a past life I was different. I don't know if I missed something or let things slip by. I know that I have more regrets than most. I know that I am more complex than others, and that I have trouble forgiving myself. All of us make mistakes, but I make mine more tragic. Maybe by writing I can find out who I am and I do hope to believe in myself once again. I describe myself as a kind, sensitive and passionate individual who hasn't yet found out where I am supposed to go. Each and every day something new or old comes along and I find myself questioning what it all means. Maybe one day I'll find out.

Paul wrote a second entry on 2/3/98

A curiosity of failure, a madness for sadness. Don't know. Looking at some people you wonder the scars, the stories of tragedy that they have to share. I'm sure that more of us believe that our scars are more deeper than others. Growing up a change of life baby of a Holocaust victim certainly inherited my life with scars from the womb. Paranoia is too consistent. The fear is so imprinted into the soul.

Yesterday, I was in McDonalds in Hicksville. At this restaurant there was incredible abstract art impressions all over the walls. Looking to my left I was drawn to an image. A mirror. It was me. I looked into the wall, wondered how many souls were in limbo in that painting. The image, so real, so frighteningly correct. And I am in limbo. A lost soul. Looking for something. Anything.

PS- Today's title is from Snow Patrol

Excuse Excuse (said with an Italian accent)

So today's title is from the movie Eurotrip (one of the funniest movies ever IMO).  That movie was on the other day followed by another favorite, Fear and Loathing In Las Vegas.  Paul and I could watch those two movies over and over and often did just that.  Why am I talking about them?  I think I am finally going to take Paul's Mini Cooper home this weekend for a "Car Wash...Car Wash Yeah".  It needs the inside and out done by hand (when I should be cleaning and steaming the carpets/floors after the Memorial day party), so that is my mission, and damn me I don't accept and do it this weekend.  Watch it rains and I can't and I have cursed myself...LOL.  It will be a labor of love, but bittersweet as really cleaning it may remove the last smells of Paul (or at least the cigarette smell that I have come to associate with him and his car).  Still wondering what Paul's car and Europtip have in common?  Well my ADD rattled brain linked Paul's Mini COOPER and Cooper, the character from Eurotrip, together.  One more association (feel like I am doing a 7 levels of Kevin Bacon here), Quincy (our dog) was almost named Cooper becasue of that movie.  Come to think of it so would have been my cousin's first born had she been a boy.  See what ADD does to someone?  Anyway, gotta get off my break and back to work.

But I can live without you if it makes you smile...

...titled after a line from a Butch Walker song.  I was thinking yesterday how I used to catch myself out of nowhere smiling to myself or laughing at a random thought or stray memory.  I don't think I have done that in over a year since I lost Paul and then my dog.  I miss that.  When it used to happen I would think how moronic I must look from someone else's perspective.  I would be just laughing to myself while walking the street, sitting in the office, in a store, etc.  Now, once again, I realize how something so simple can be missed and show the state of things.  Nothing will ever be the same.

Misogyny

Nothing pisses me off more than a man that thinks because you are a girl you have no mechanical skills or can't lift anything.  It doesn't matter that he is an idiot and could have wheeled in the stove on the dolly in a straight run by using the level front of the driveway and concrete paved path to the back door and straight in.  No, he has to try and manuver it through the garage in and try and turn it on the narrow stoop with no room to get in the back door.  And he won't ask for help because I'm a female.  But it's ok to bang up the new stove, the floor and the door.  Just don't ask for my help.  Idiot!  I could bench press him easily.  Jerk!

Perpetually sad

Ever since the unveiling and the BBQ were over, I have felt perpetually sad.  I can't seem to snap out of it.  It's similar to last year when the Shiva was over and all the distraction is taken away.  I must face the cruel reality once again that I will never see Paul's face again.  I will never hear his voice.  I will never smell or touch him.  The closest thing is all the clothes left in the closet I can't bear to move or the pictures on the wall.  I can't imagine any day when those things won't still be there.  Maybe I am waiting for the impossible that if I keep them, he will be back for them.  I don't know, but I am so very sad.  I miss him and I miss Marvin. I will never understand why.

I missed a meaningful quote

I thought I would put a Hedwig quote in since Paul did that play himself, but I couldn't think of any lyrics off my head that would work.  On the other hand I didn;t look that hard becasue John Cameron Mitchell was kinda a full of himself prick when we went to meet him.  I guess I should have listened to the soundtrack (or Paul's) because this was appropiate (And Stephen Trask wrote it not JCM)...

Midnight Radio - Hedwig And the Anry Inch

Rain falls hard
Burns dry
A dream
Or a song
That hits you so hard
Filling you up
And suddenly gone

Breath Feel Love
Give Free
Know in you soul
Like your blood knows the way
From you heart to your brain
Know that you're whole

And you're shining
Like the brightest star
A transmission
On the midnight radio
And you're spinning
Like a 45
Ballerina
Dancing to your rock and roll
...

Outtakes (quotes not used for eulogy)

Hall and Oats

I can dream about you
In my dreams we’re still ??
And you’re still a part of me

(Cover song)
Someday we’ll know
Why love can’t move a mountain
Someday We’ll know
Why the sky is blue
Someday we’ll know
Why I wasn’t there for you

Bon Jovi - Always

                I say to you until the end of time
                I will love you..baby
                Always
                And I’ll be there forever

Butch Walker – Maybe It's just Me

                Cause I can’t live if you’re not happy
                I can’t live if you cry
                But I can live without you
                If it makes me smile

Butch Walker - Ships in a Bottle

                Everybody sleeps
                But I haven’t done that in the last few weeks or so
                …
                I can’t refill anything
                Especially my heart
                Especially my brain

Butch Walker –Wreck Me

                You Wreck me

Stereophonics - "Rewind"

Enuff Znuff- Missing You

I'm feelin' like I'm needin' a drink.
Here I am without you.
I can't go on I can't even think.
I'm a man who can't do
What I need to do
To get over you
After all that we've been through.
'Cause I'm wanting you
And I'm needing you,
And I'm missing you.
Oh, I'm missing you.
You left with out a trace
And no one can take your place.
'Cause I'm missing you.
'Cause I'm missing you.
I can't believe you're gone,
How am I to carry on?

I love you and I need you so much
But you're tearing me apart.
You've been so cold
You don't keep in touch
And all I want is a fresh start.
And I hope that I do
Get over you
After all that we've been though.
'Cause I'm wanting you
and I'm needing you.

Enuff Znuff – Bring it on home

Tear my heart out if I could,
I really wish I understood,
Just exactly made you go,
I feel that I deserve to know.
Now I'm out of control,
Of my head, of my soul.
I don't know where to go.
Baby bring it on home,
Bring it on home.
You've got a place of your own,
Baby bring it on home.
Bring it on home,
Baby bring it on home.
You've got a place of your own,
Baby bring it on home.

I wear my heart out on my sleeve,
There ain't no one I can deceive.
Everything around reminds me of
You're heading out of town and I'm in love.
With my head in my hand,
Do the best that I can.
I'm a lonely, lonely man.

Enuff Znuff – Baby Loves you

When you're baby loves you
Nothing's gonna hurt you 

Enuff Znuff – Fly High Michelle

I wish you were here.
And now I'll live a life
Of could have beens
Until new life begins.

"If I'd Found The Right Words To Say" – Snow Patrol 

 By Your Side - Enuff Znuff

 Right about now, if I'd found the right words to say

 I'd tell you you're safe and take hold of your hand

 I'll be there by your side for the rest of your life

 Our bodies could fall off the end of the world

 Something told me we'd be happy forever

 I don't see how this could change any of that

 I will follow your ghost as it climbs up the rock-face

 And lie with you on the grass above

 And I'd like to change all this

 And I'd like to wake up from this

 By your side

 How did we ever survive for this length of time?

 Living with only a care in the world

 But the light that shines from her

 Whenever she's happy is worth every minute that we've saved ourselves

 Maybe there's hope in just one final second

 A flash of her love as she waves us goodbye

 Don't torture yourself with what might have given

 We did everything that we could ever do

 And I'd like to chnge all this

 And I'd like to wake up form this

 By your side.

Songs to look at...

Paramore – All I wanted was you

Alisha Keys – If I Aint got you

Avril Lavigne – When you’re gone

Prince – nothing compares2 u

 Journey

Paul's Unveiling Eulogy (images below)

I don’t have the right words to say what I would like to say, so I’ll steal them from music.  I think what I am feeling is best said by Phil Collins…

So take a look at me now
There’s just an empty space
And there’s nothing left here to remind me
Just the memory of your face
Take a look at me now
And you coming back to me is against the odds
And that’s what I’ve got to face
I wish I could just make you turn around
Turn around and see me cry
There’s so much I want to say to you
And so many reasons why
You’re the only one who ever knew me at all

 I came across so many great lyrics in my quest to for the right epitaph.  I knew it had to show who Paul was, that it had to do with music and that it had to show our love for and from him.  I really wanted to use Chris Unck’s lyric that came out in a Butch Walker album after his death…

'Cause Today we're alive
But tomorrow, we could die
But I live knowing that I love
And I'll die knowing that I've loved

It was perfect but it was a little too morbid for some.  Then I thought about his childhood love of The Who.  He would watch the Isle of Wight and Woodstock concerts repetitively and when they would come to “Listening to You” he would say it was the pinnacle of the whole concert.  So, I had to use “Listening to you I get the music” because it was us and it is my stone as well .  We always got each other with music even if we didn’t always love each other’s taste.  We understood why the other loved it and could respect and appreciate that.  He even let me have my Cyndi Lauper and Sebastian Bach obsessions…

                I see your true colors shining through
                I see your true colors and that’s why I love you (CL)

                Through all the sleepless nights
                Through every endless day
                I wanna hear you say
                I remember you (Skid Row)

Coming back to Paul’s childhood, Iva was his mom growing up and he loved the Beatles so much he scratched all of Iva’s records trying to play them himself.  He played drums on pots and pans in the kitchen until Iva bought him his first drum set.   I just can’t help but repeating these Beatles quotes…

                And in the end the love you take is equal to the love you make

                I wake up to the sound of music…There will be an answer….Let it be.

                All the places had their moments
                With lovers and friends, I can still recall
                Some are dead and some are living
                In my life I’ve loved them all

That was Paul.  If he was your friend he was loyal and he would do anything for you.  He loved you unconditionally.

Paul was like John Lennon in that he felt

                All you need is love

He used to go to all these concerts KISS, Van Halen, movie theater showings of Led Zeppelin and The Who, Pink Floyd etc. 

Open your heart
 I'm coming home (PF)

                Try holding hands with the hands of time
                Your can’t erase the love that you gave to me
                You can’t put your arms around a memory (KIX)

If the sun refused to shine, I would still be loving you.
When mountains crumble to the sea, there will still be you and me. (Led Zeppelin)

I really love you baby
 I love what you've got (KISS)

And I know, baby, just how you feel.
You've got to roll with the punches to get to what's real (VH)

When we first met, he gave me a cassette tape of his band Mother Mary.  I loved it. 

                Life is only time (Life)

                Only time will tell if we will survive (only time will tell)

                I thought together we were locked in time
                But I’m the one sitting on the outside (Survive)

                And if I gave my love to you
                Is that a crime
                Cause that way I’m a champion
                Any place in time (Just another day)

                Time was at my feet and I was only trying to be me (Just another day)

                And you have to pray
                For another day (Just another day)

                Had you left this world
                Chase you (Just another day)

                I will breathe again
                It’s like a dream come true
                I’ll see you again
                I will try and live again   
                baby hold me back again
                And I will find something real and in my mind
                I’ll give my love a thousand times
                See me baby and I’ll go into this world
                And then baby we’ll know (Only time will tell)

I even tried using Mother Mary lyrics with my own for an epitaph

Remember what I told you
             Listen to what I say
             Remember when I showed you love
             And I’m never far away (Psychodrama)

Life is Only Time
             You made ours divine (Life)

He also introduced me to one of our favorites, I Mother Earth, who we even travelled to Canada to see.  He even said that my trip to Canada to see/help his band Mother Mary in the music fest in Toronto was when he realized I loved him and him me, even though we weren’t officially dating yet.

                I know that I will live and learn
                So more than survive
                I will endeavor

                I can’t change who I am now
                But I’ll be fine in the next life

Speaking of Mother Mary, they headlined for many unknowns at the time who later became huge such as Sevendust and one of Butch Walker’s offshoot bands (including a wine drinking night with Butch where we were so drunk we lost his demo CD on the train home).  Speaking of Butch Walker, Paul was a fan since his heavy metal debut.  Paul even covered Freak of The Week in his cover band Unhappy Annoying People.  As soon as I heard Marvelous 3 myself, I was hooked as a superfan.  Listening to Butch gives me comfort now as it always did.  Some of “our” songs are from him.

I want you
I need you
I can’t live without you…baby
So baby don’t move at all
Cause you’re about to break my fall
Stay where you are, staring at the stars
Don’t ever move at all

Damn Damn Damn I love you
Like the stars that shine above you

I almost used

Thinking of you with my last breath

But again it was too morbid, so it was only fitting to pick the lyrics for the epitaph,

                “Love was just a word until you showed it to me”

And that is not just for me but to everyone who he loved.  Paul was obsessed with “Closer to the Truth and Further From the Sky” which is a very spiritual and deep song where Butch says

Cause the static singes the speakers like
A thousand Hymns of inspiration.
And the road just winds through the canyon like,
A big black snake heading for salvation and I'm getting closer to the truth
And further from the sky.

It is very interesting in hindsight to really analyze that song.  Speaking of “our” songs, we picked Al Green’s “Let’s Stay Together”for our wedding song  because it is simple and classic and is about love, loyalty and commitment. Our wedding was a throwback.  Rocked out 60s music for the most part.  It’s almost ironic another way that we picked “Another One Bites The Dust” by Queen to come out to.  The wedding had songs with lyrics like

                I love you more today than yesterday
                But not as much as tomorrow

We picked another ironic song it seems.  We ended the wedding with Prince’s Purple Rain.  We love Prince and that song is one of our favorite songs. 

                I never meant to cause you any sorrow
                I never meant to cause you any pain
                I only wanted one time to see you laughing
                I only wanted to see you laughing in the purple rain

Paul always had a love for Styx.  When he first was learning drums, he wanted to play “Lady”

Love shines in your eyes
                Sparkling, clear and lovely

After Paul’s car accident took away his ability to play drums, Paul was known to say often that he accepts not being signed when he watches Todd play.  I chose a measure in Todd’s drummer companion book from a Styx song that was from the tour/album when we first met Todd.  I had it etched in the stone to show Paul was a drummer and to pay homage.

You could be the light
That shines so bright
You show the way to go
…
Every star above reflecting in your sea of love
…
You've got to rise above it all

Somewhere down the road that we follow
We'll be one with everything
…
And in my dreams I'm there by your side
Learning to fly again

The world we see
Is a mystery
But we hold the key
If we have the faith to live
And believe

Paul took me to so many concerts.  Some lyrics that stick out are from Enuff Z’nuff

                You left without a trace
                No one can take your place
                Cause I’m missing you

                I wish you were here
                And now I’ll live a life of has beens

                And I need you now
                To help me through
                To be the one
                I know is true
                To hold my hand
                To keep the faith
                To be my guard
                To be my strength

I even dragged Paul to a few like

                You set my soul alight - Muse

Look in my eyes
 You're killing me, killing me
 All I wanted was you (30 seconds to mars)

Then there were quotes from Paul himself and from bands that were very similar.  Paul said a few days before his death on a sports site

                “If you can’t dream, then you have nothing”

And the band he was most recently obsessed with, The Sterophonics said

Don’t be afraid to dream
Live n love n live free
Take my soul and live n love today
live n love n live free

Dream and be
What you feel
Don’t you compromise
What you wanna be

He loved the Stereophonics and seemed to always be drawn to drummers like Stuart Cable who passed way too soon like Keith Moon, John Bonham , Eric Carr, and Ricky Parent.  Who knew he would join the list?  Here are some more from Stu (Stereophonics)…

I look back at a beautiful life
Been the upper side of down

I feel I wanna hold you
Wanna Tell you
That you’ll be alright
Sang this song today
It’s recalling your pictures
All in my mind
I miss you now

On the plane home from Scotland I had exclusively the Sterophonics playing.  This song felt like Paul was speaking to me…

Think I’d like to stay a minute longer

Which gets me to Snow patrol, which I discovered after Paul’s death and although very different than what I usually like, the repetitive (which I usually don’t care for) and deep lyrics help sooth me.

                In the end
                In the end
                There’s nothing more to life than love
                is there
                …
                You are the torch
                And it all makes sense
                I’ve waited here for you forever

                I need your grace
                To remind me
                To find my own

All that I am
                All that I ever was
                Is here in your perfect eyes
                They’re all I can see

I guess I will end with some fitting quotes…

Snow Patrol

You’re the only thing real in all I’ve done…
Light Up Light Up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I’ll be right beside you dear…
To think that I might not see those eyes
Makes it so hard not to cry
And as we say our long goodbye
I nearly do

Jet

                We will meet again one day
                I will shine on wherever you are

I Mother Earth

Rise like the sun

The  Mayfield Four said (and that was the singer of the last band we were to see a day before I left for Scotland but we sold the tickets last minute)

                Carry on Carry on my friend

Finally, another Butch Walker quote

                If I could be your chains
                I’d fall from you
                And let you fly to the angels

Eternally Yours,

Your wife, lover and best friend of whom you have captured my essence, my soul, and my heart forever,

Love,

Barbara

Dear Paul,

I am having a really bad week and the rain doesn't help.  I cry at the drop of a hat and am walking around an exhausted sleepless zombie and miserable.  I have so many things to do for the Unveiling and get together Memorial Day weekend and am overwhelmed both physically, emotionally and financially.  I am also so upset because I feel like I can't remember everything about you and our life together as clearly as I once did and I keep picturing Marvin and Quincy keeping you warm when you passed and Marvin when I had to put him down. I also see everyone happy in their lives and me not.  I know I should live my life because that is what you want but sometimes it is so darned hard.   I am so sad.  I am quite miserable...worse than usual.  I miss you dreadfully.  Why?

Dog Tired

Ok... my first blog since posting from Scotland on the day of my husband's death.  I am writing here because I have been working for my job since yesterday at 8am and it is now 6:30am the next day.  I know I will too tired to write in my diary to Paul like I have since I started a few days after his funeral.  I just paid in full for the monument for my husband.  I am pooped.  I miss my doggie.  He is at my sis in laws for a sleep over.  He had his annual vet appointment today which he didn't enjoy.  I'm sure he will be all about waking up while I will want to sleep all day.  I hope I can drive home.  I miss you Paul and Marv.  I will love you both forever.  Why?
PS- I am sure this is like the worst blog post ever.  I will laugh later when I had a few hours of Zzzzz's.