Summertime In The Void

I have been in a shit mood for days.  I think the family get together really upset me.  Everyone was coupled and most with kids and some with grandkids.  Except for my sister, whose chose it is to be by herself, I was the only one alone.  I have never felt so alone.  I am lonely and missing Paul something fierce.  I got happy yesterday for about thirty seconds when I noticed a new I Mother Earth song and that they were on tour again.  I wanted to tell Paul and we would have figured out a way to get there even if we both went separately so not to upset Marvin.  Then I thought, this is one more thing Paul didn’t get to see in his lifetime…an IME reunion and new song.  Then I said, who would even go with me to a show or get IME like we both did?  I think about my friends that try to be there and how I just can’t pick up the phone to talk or be a friend to them.  How can I?  I am miserable.  How can I listen to daily goings on or be supportive when people need me?  I try as I do, there is a part of me that just doesn’t give a rats ass about anything.  I just want Paul and Marvin back.  I know I am not moving on as I get lectured by ignorant people and that make things a million times worst because they don’t get it and hurt me more by the stupid things they say, meant from the heart or not.  I will move on when or if I am ready and not before.  I don’t need to be lectured.   I don’t need things pointed out to me.  I am a pretty smart person and I see things as they are and I can turn the mirror on myself better than most.  I am allowed to feel like this sometimes.  I feel I have been strong for a long time.  Now I am allowed some few days of sulking.  Sometimes I wish to be just left alone.  I pile on the guilt of missing out on important things that should mean something to me, but that is my nature.  I hope this blog becomes useful to some.  That is its purpose.  I am really not trying to piss anyone off, just to be very honest and truthful to myself and to get those feelings expressed so that anyone else going through something similar won’t feel as alone as I.  Yes, I know I am not alone and that if I am it is of my own making, but the fact is that is how I feel.
 

“No time or presence
Of mind to wonder why
No time for questions of
Why I wonder why
Something's wrong...again
The noise shakes the ground
…

And then you long
For the days of trippin' down
The long road just reading the
Signs that show you the way to
A higher place you meditate to
Feel the quiet of the earth
That was back
When we used to be alright”

-I Mother Earth (Used to be Alight)

PS- the title is the same of the Song "Summertime in the Void" by I Mother Earth (IME)