So I have been talking on how I am obsessed with Daryl Hall and his show. I originally hated Jason Mraz because his song "I'm Yours" was so overplayed I couldn't stand it and somehow categorised it as cheese. Well I take it all back. He really is a talent and I love his song "I Won't Give Up". See it on Daryl's show here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-3TJlTLjxKo and here
http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/jasonmraz/iwontgiveup.html are the lyrics. Check it out.
That said, I have to write something very personal. When I came down with pneumonia I was coughing and involuntarily vomiting often. I started not being able to breathe, I was not in a good place mentally or physically. When I really thought I was done for, I called Iva and said take care of Quincy I am calling an ambulance. I really was ready to call this life quits and make amends spiritually and was ready and resigned to see Paul again. I felt this utter sense of peace at that. Then, everyone visited me or reached out to me...my sister, my dad, Iva, friends, family, etc. I felt guilt if I were to leave them. That they would feel hurt for my loss. I tried to get better and listen to the doctor's orders the best I could. During that time, I never felt so alone even with people constantly around me caring for me. I have friends that told me after I snapped out of this dark mental place that they thought my depression was going to kill me because it was affecting me so much physically. I decided one day that if I am going to live the time Paul never had that I have to really live and not live in the past. I also promised myself to never go to that dark place ever again and that Paul would never want that for me. Any excuses for not moving on or guilt were coming from me and me only. Paul (and I realize now also his friends and family) would only want me happy. Well, as crappy as this hurricane is it has made me move forward in ways I never thought I'd be ready for. I don't think I was/am ready but I am giving it my all. I am becoming myself again and smiling and living. I will never lose Paul in my heart. He will always be embedded in my soul with an unbreakable chain. A really beautiful person recently told me that it is not that you are extinguishing the love you had by trying again, but more like the light from one candle is igniting another and spreading the light and love to another and sharing the warmth. I probably have that a bit off, but that is the sense of it. Anyway, being understood and able to share in everything is very important and that is what I am doing both here and in life. I love all my friends and family and want you all in my life. I am just starting a new one with beautiful memories of the most wonderful soul I ever met that taught me life, love and music. I love you Paul and always will. "I won't give up" on myself again or what you have tried to give me...confidence in myself and strength and your love.
