Dead to Me

I am extremely upset today.  The birth of a child is miraculous and a gift.  It isn't supposed to make someone so upset they can't function.  It is a Jewish tradition to name a child after a deceased family member.  Paul's both parents are deceased as well as him.  His niece's first son was named after the husband's (who the husband is Italian and not part of the naming tradition) grandfather and a grandfather on the paternal side that the niece never met and who was supposed to not be very nice.  This was instead of grandparents on the maternal side that loved them (not to mention the grandmother, Paul's mother, was a Haulocaust survivor) and a paternal grandmother that they did know and loved and both grandmothers shared the same initial A.  When Paul was alive, he was so upset, he didn't see the child or attend the Bris (though we did send a gift with his sister Iva).  he would have calmed down but he didn't get the opportunity.  I didn't go becasue of Paul's hurt and because I had to work and they gave me no prior notice.  Paul died without ever meeting his grandnephew.  I met him at Paul's burial.  I also met the grandnephew at a Jewish holiday and it made me cry watching them as a happy family as I was miserable.  They seemed so not affected by Paul's passing though Paul tried so hard to be a good uncle even though there was only like 10 years age difference between the two.  Anyway, the new son was born and I myself told his niece why Paul didn't see the nephew.  Though it maybe considered petty by an outsider, Paul was extremely hurt and distraught that they didn't name the son after anyone on the maternal side.  Especially when we all discussed names with A and how important it was to him/us before the baby was born.  So once the new baby was conceived and the due date was announced to be Paul's birthday, I got extremely upset and so did Iva, so much so that Iva told her sister that if the baby comes on Paul's birthday and isn't named after Paul she is done with them.  I tended to agree.  Then, I prayed that the baby wouldn't come on Paul's birthday so that they could celebrate every year when I was in utter dispair.  They didn't desrve his good name.  I and Iva just hoped and prayed the baby would come another day and it would be named after one of the maternal grandparents, even if a middle name.  Well, I stayed up well past midnight on Paul's birthday to 3am and then when there was no call the next morning I breathed a sigh of relief.  The baby was born today.  A message was left on Iva's answering machine and it was mentioned that the baby was not named after Paul on the message and the name is Matthew...M...the same initial used last time for the last baby.  I am done.  I am now done releasing my grief in words, now I will continue expunging with tears.  Paul, if he were still alive, would have never spoken to his niece again if she didn't name now the second son after his parents.  Call it petty.  Call it what you wish, but when Paul was done he cut you off.  He was loyal to a fault, but when he was betrayed, he never forgot.  I have to do what he would have wanted me to.  I am going to rewrite what was our will today.

Testosterone Poisoning

Yuck. Why do pompous male chauvinistic ugly men who, because they have lots of money, think they can any woman they want?  This is the guy who came to give a quote to fix my sister in law’s house.  Did I mention that he is married and bragging about his house, kids and wife.  Triple gross.  Also, even worse is when he checks me out in front of my sister in law as we are talking about my poor husband’s passing.  Of course I am oblivious to it thank god.  Obviously this guy is hurting for work or he wouldn’t be calling at 8AM the next morning for pricing he did the night before.  On top of all that, he was upset when I cut him off and finished his sentences while he was going on and on because I couldn’t wait for him to get to the point with his slow moving brain.  He was even more pissy when he realized I knew what I was talking about when it comes to construction.  Most males are shocked, but not so taken aback by it.  A girl with looks and brains and mechanical thinking.  Unheard of in his prehistoric brain.  Like that can’t happen in life.  I wonder if his wife is homely and smart or a bombshell with more weight in her boobs than her noggin.

This guy reminds me of the girl in the song below...

Did you come up to me
So your night would be cheaper
Did you make up your mind
About me from the start

Did you come here tonight
To find something deeper
Or did you just follow me home
'Cause you're afraid of the dark
...

--"Last Night" by Carolina Liar

Here I come to save the day...Or NOT

I was so exhausted yesterday and dizzy that I decided to work half a day from home.  At some point I turned the TV on and Superman III was on.  I left it and started looking at the TV every once in a while thinking about how Christopher Reeve was whole and an icon.  Then I was remembering him as more of a hero in a wheelchair and vying to help others with spinal injuries like him.  Then I got really angry remembering how Paul had run his fundraiser and spoke almost daily with Christopher Reeve's daughter during the process and how he had thought her a friend.  What kind of friend doesn't call back or doesn't send an email or a card to the widow of someone who is not only supposed to be their friend but who stood up for the foundation and gave them the money from the charity event (even though Lucky Laces and he did all the work, spent all the money and did all the promotion for the event)?  OK, this has been stewing for over a year.  Not only did they not mention Paul's passing in any way (just like they never promoted the Charity event themselves), but they never even had a lackey send me a card.  Anyway, had to get that out.  Oh and I called her work number, her personal cell and sent a text.  Lucky Laces alerted her as well.  She did not call them or me.  Shame on you for tarnishing your good father's name and the foundation he and your mom set up.

PS- the quote today was partially from Mighty Mouse (and it also makes me think of Andy Kaufman who Paul loved).

Summertime In The Void

I have been in a shit mood for days.  I think the family get together really upset me.  Everyone was coupled and most with kids and some with grandkids.  Except for my sister, whose chose it is to be by herself, I was the only one alone.  I have never felt so alone.  I am lonely and missing Paul something fierce.  I got happy yesterday for about thirty seconds when I noticed a new I Mother Earth song and that they were on tour again.  I wanted to tell Paul and we would have figured out a way to get there even if we both went separately so not to upset Marvin.  Then I thought, this is one more thing Paul didn’t get to see in his lifetime…an IME reunion and new song.  Then I said, who would even go with me to a show or get IME like we both did?  I think about my friends that try to be there and how I just can’t pick up the phone to talk or be a friend to them.  How can I?  I am miserable.  How can I listen to daily goings on or be supportive when people need me?  I try as I do, there is a part of me that just doesn’t give a rats ass about anything.  I just want Paul and Marvin back.  I know I am not moving on as I get lectured by ignorant people and that make things a million times worst because they don’t get it and hurt me more by the stupid things they say, meant from the heart or not.  I will move on when or if I am ready and not before.  I don’t need to be lectured.   I don’t need things pointed out to me.  I am a pretty smart person and I see things as they are and I can turn the mirror on myself better than most.  I am allowed to feel like this sometimes.  I feel I have been strong for a long time.  Now I am allowed some few days of sulking.  Sometimes I wish to be just left alone.  I pile on the guilt of missing out on important things that should mean something to me, but that is my nature.  I hope this blog becomes useful to some.  That is its purpose.  I am really not trying to piss anyone off, just to be very honest and truthful to myself and to get those feelings expressed so that anyone else going through something similar won’t feel as alone as I.  Yes, I know I am not alone and that if I am it is of my own making, but the fact is that is how I feel.
 

“No time or presence
Of mind to wonder why
No time for questions of
Why I wonder why
Something's wrong...again
The noise shakes the ground
…

And then you long
For the days of trippin' down
The long road just reading the
Signs that show you the way to
A higher place you meditate to
Feel the quiet of the earth
That was back
When we used to be alright”

-I Mother Earth (Used to be Alight)

PS- the title is the same of the Song "Summertime in the Void" by I Mother Earth (IME)

You left without a trace. No one can take your place. I'm missing you.

Just found this:

---

From: uapeople
Sent: Thursday, December 21, 2006 2:53 PM
To: Barbara Voss
Subject: you

i just wanted to let you know that you are like wine!

you get more beautiful every day!

I love you!

Paul

 

PS- title is from Enuff Z'Nuff