So yes, she died because of me. Because I loved her. Because I had the wrong name....

Didn't feel good yesterday.  Such a pounding sinus headache all day.  Hopefully I'm not getting sick.  Tried to retire early at 8PM.  I put the TV on and the English Patient had started 15 minutes prior.  I decided to watch it.  It was really long and I paused it to take a shower.  Well, needless to say it ending at 11:15PM or so and I am crying.  I can't sleep becasue the combo of the shower and the sadness that had me crying all over for all those I've lost...and the movie.  Good movie though.  Slow moving but good.  I decide to watch Design Star which I taped previously.  Somewhere after midnight I finally fell asleep.  Add that to the night before where I just had to start and finish a book the same day it was released.  Jeaniene Frost's new book Once Burned is about Vlad Dracul Basarab (the Impaler) who I love love love.  She is my favorite author immediately behind Diana Gabaldon (who is one of JF's favorites, too).  After that it is a crap shoot for other favorite authors.  Charlaine Harris used to be there, but my love has dwindled in the last few books.  Anyway, I digress.  Hopefully I will not be sick and be rested for my trip to PA tomorrow to see Steve, Keri, Todd and watch Styx.

PS- Today's title is from the English Patient

Butch Walker's post on Paul

http://butchwalker.com/post/5821835975/our-good-friend-and-biggest-fan-paul-kuznetz

 

our good friend and biggest fan Paul Kuznetz passed away unexpectedly last night. he was a good soul with a rock n roll spirit that could not be contained. me and the Widows send our condolences to the family and hope everyone else will take the time to respect the time you have here on this planet… Paul went too soon…..
much love, Paul.
Butch and the Black Widows

As You Wish

I have to repost this.  Paul and I wanted to both get a black widow spider matching...the one from Butch Walker's band.  I just saw this and tears are streaming down my eyes.  This is so very sweet and touching and binds Butch and his dad together in one more way.  I just have no words.  I wish Paul and I had gotten the tattoos.  I wish so many things...

http://instagr.am/p/MO86K0lDmw/

PS- the quote is from the Princess Bride

And In My Dreams I'm there by Your Side...

So I wake having this dream where I am walking Marvin on a leash and Paul is with me.  We walk into this strange indoor outdoor petstore called or in Hollywood and Ted Knight (the actor) is the owner.  It felt at first like we were walking in Rockville Center.  The store is easily accessible since there is no walls to the outside.  There are these stairs with that fake green grass on top. Marvin is walking like he was a pup so he has no trouble pulling me to the store and up the large 3 steps.  Then there are pits like jungle gyms where dogs could get hurt.  I went in one to try and get Marvin a treat.  Marvin was scared for me.  Paul was outside the store just watching.  Marvin kept trying to eat or get to the parrots and I was afraid he's get hurt in the weird pits.  Haze.  Iva and I are watching House Hunters on TV and notcing how crappy an area this gorgous house is in CA and we say that is all we could afford if we moved there.  Haze.  Paul and I are looking at this house but we are more interested in this crappy basement apartment and trying to figure out how to make it into something an office or a livable apartment.

Then the alarm goes off.

I turn off the house alarm and walk by the fish tank to let Quincy out and the big clown loach is dead.  I hadn't seen the smaller one in a week.  Now there is only the sucker catfish in this huge tank.  Another end of an era.

I open the door and let Quincy out and there are 2 white butterflies kissing and then a third appears.

Just bizarre.  Had to share.

PS - Title is from Styx's One with Everything.

In the end, there's nothing more to life than love is there?

For those of you who always remembered Paul as upbeat and the glass half full kind of guy, he definately had his issues and was very introverted about them.  He was tormented at times, but he would never trouble others with his really deep internal struggles, only those at the surface and in the moment.  We all have our demons.  That place inside that we lock up tight in a box.  They are hidden deep in dark recesses to keep ourselves from reaching, remembering or facing them.  It is very eerie to see what Paul was seeing in the paintings and that he was wondering what the point of it all was.  I think after the second accident when he lost his ability to play music, he was able to see what he lost and what he had around him.  If he could talk to us now, he would say that the point of life is love of all things.  He tried to give back the best he could and appreciated everything he had.  He inspired and praised others and started expressing his feelings.  He did know who he was and found that meaning he was looking for.  I truly believe that in my heart.  He got to do his charity event and even a radio interview for Q104.3 and he forgave all that hurt him in his life.  He found old friends and made so many new ones.  He found love and he was loved by all.  His life was short, but he will be remembered by the so many he touched.

Paul wrote this in a notebook on 1/8/98

I believe I've entered into this to find some sort of answer. I believe that I have been searching for something forever. Since my earliest memory, I have found life to be eccentric and unfullfilling. I've had my dreams shattered, my beliefs challenged and my perception distorted. What I intend to do is to record my thoughts and feelings in an attempt to find out who I am. This will have no order and no pre-thought. It will simply be a record of thoughts of the moment. The amazing thing is that I believe I was put here for a reason and I don't know if in a past life I was different. I don't know if I missed something or let things slip by. I know that I have more regrets than most. I know that I am more complex than others, and that I have trouble forgiving myself. All of us make mistakes, but I make mine more tragic. Maybe by writing I can find out who I am and I do hope to believe in myself once again. I describe myself as a kind, sensitive and passionate individual who hasn't yet found out where I am supposed to go. Each and every day something new or old comes along and I find myself questioning what it all means. Maybe one day I'll find out.

Paul wrote a second entry on 2/3/98

A curiosity of failure, a madness for sadness. Don't know. Looking at some people you wonder the scars, the stories of tragedy that they have to share. I'm sure that more of us believe that our scars are more deeper than others. Growing up a change of life baby of a Holocaust victim certainly inherited my life with scars from the womb. Paranoia is too consistent. The fear is so imprinted into the soul.

Yesterday, I was in McDonalds in Hicksville. At this restaurant there was incredible abstract art impressions all over the walls. Looking to my left I was drawn to an image. A mirror. It was me. I looked into the wall, wondered how many souls were in limbo in that painting. The image, so real, so frighteningly correct. And I am in limbo. A lost soul. Looking for something. Anything.

PS- Today's title is from Snow Patrol

Excuse Excuse (said with an Italian accent)

So today's title is from the movie Eurotrip (one of the funniest movies ever IMO).  That movie was on the other day followed by another favorite, Fear and Loathing In Las Vegas.  Paul and I could watch those two movies over and over and often did just that.  Why am I talking about them?  I think I am finally going to take Paul's Mini Cooper home this weekend for a "Car Wash...Car Wash Yeah".  It needs the inside and out done by hand (when I should be cleaning and steaming the carpets/floors after the Memorial day party), so that is my mission, and damn me I don't accept and do it this weekend.  Watch it rains and I can't and I have cursed myself...LOL.  It will be a labor of love, but bittersweet as really cleaning it may remove the last smells of Paul (or at least the cigarette smell that I have come to associate with him and his car).  Still wondering what Paul's car and Europtip have in common?  Well my ADD rattled brain linked Paul's Mini COOPER and Cooper, the character from Eurotrip, together.  One more association (feel like I am doing a 7 levels of Kevin Bacon here), Quincy (our dog) was almost named Cooper becasue of that movie.  Come to think of it so would have been my cousin's first born had she been a boy.  See what ADD does to someone?  Anyway, gotta get off my break and back to work.

But I can live without you if it makes you smile...

...titled after a line from a Butch Walker song.  I was thinking yesterday how I used to catch myself out of nowhere smiling to myself or laughing at a random thought or stray memory.  I don't think I have done that in over a year since I lost Paul and then my dog.  I miss that.  When it used to happen I would think how moronic I must look from someone else's perspective.  I would be just laughing to myself while walking the street, sitting in the office, in a store, etc.  Now, once again, I realize how something so simple can be missed and show the state of things.  Nothing will ever be the same.

Misogyny

Nothing pisses me off more than a man that thinks because you are a girl you have no mechanical skills or can't lift anything.  It doesn't matter that he is an idiot and could have wheeled in the stove on the dolly in a straight run by using the level front of the driveway and concrete paved path to the back door and straight in.  No, he has to try and manuver it through the garage in and try and turn it on the narrow stoop with no room to get in the back door.  And he won't ask for help because I'm a female.  But it's ok to bang up the new stove, the floor and the door.  Just don't ask for my help.  Idiot!  I could bench press him easily.  Jerk!

Perpetually sad

Ever since the unveiling and the BBQ were over, I have felt perpetually sad.  I can't seem to snap out of it.  It's similar to last year when the Shiva was over and all the distraction is taken away.  I must face the cruel reality once again that I will never see Paul's face again.  I will never hear his voice.  I will never smell or touch him.  The closest thing is all the clothes left in the closet I can't bear to move or the pictures on the wall.  I can't imagine any day when those things won't still be there.  Maybe I am waiting for the impossible that if I keep them, he will be back for them.  I don't know, but I am so very sad.  I miss him and I miss Marvin. I will never understand why.

I missed a meaningful quote

I thought I would put a Hedwig quote in since Paul did that play himself, but I couldn't think of any lyrics off my head that would work.  On the other hand I didn;t look that hard becasue John Cameron Mitchell was kinda a full of himself prick when we went to meet him.  I guess I should have listened to the soundtrack (or Paul's) because this was appropiate (And Stephen Trask wrote it not JCM)...

Midnight Radio - Hedwig And the Anry Inch

Rain falls hard
Burns dry
A dream
Or a song
That hits you so hard
Filling you up
And suddenly gone

Breath Feel Love
Give Free
Know in you soul
Like your blood knows the way
From you heart to your brain
Know that you're whole

And you're shining
Like the brightest star
A transmission
On the midnight radio
And you're spinning
Like a 45
Ballerina
Dancing to your rock and roll
...