Misogyny

Nothing pisses me off more than a man that thinks because you are a girl you have no mechanical skills or can't lift anything.  It doesn't matter that he is an idiot and could have wheeled in the stove on the dolly in a straight run by using the level front of the driveway and concrete paved path to the back door and straight in.  No, he has to try and manuver it through the garage in and try and turn it on the narrow stoop with no room to get in the back door.  And he won't ask for help because I'm a female.  But it's ok to bang up the new stove, the floor and the door.  Just don't ask for my help.  Idiot!  I could bench press him easily.  Jerk!

Perpetually sad

Ever since the unveiling and the BBQ were over, I have felt perpetually sad.  I can't seem to snap out of it.  It's similar to last year when the Shiva was over and all the distraction is taken away.  I must face the cruel reality once again that I will never see Paul's face again.  I will never hear his voice.  I will never smell or touch him.  The closest thing is all the clothes left in the closet I can't bear to move or the pictures on the wall.  I can't imagine any day when those things won't still be there.  Maybe I am waiting for the impossible that if I keep them, he will be back for them.  I don't know, but I am so very sad.  I miss him and I miss Marvin. I will never understand why.

I missed a meaningful quote

I thought I would put a Hedwig quote in since Paul did that play himself, but I couldn't think of any lyrics off my head that would work.  On the other hand I didn;t look that hard becasue John Cameron Mitchell was kinda a full of himself prick when we went to meet him.  I guess I should have listened to the soundtrack (or Paul's) because this was appropiate (And Stephen Trask wrote it not JCM)...

Midnight Radio - Hedwig And the Anry Inch

Rain falls hard
Burns dry
A dream
Or a song
That hits you so hard
Filling you up
And suddenly gone

Breath Feel Love
Give Free
Know in you soul
Like your blood knows the way
From you heart to your brain
Know that you're whole

And you're shining
Like the brightest star
A transmission
On the midnight radio
And you're spinning
Like a 45
Ballerina
Dancing to your rock and roll
...

Outtakes (quotes not used for eulogy)

Hall and Oats

I can dream about you
In my dreams we’re still ??
And you’re still a part of me

(Cover song)
Someday we’ll know
Why love can’t move a mountain
Someday We’ll know
Why the sky is blue
Someday we’ll know
Why I wasn’t there for you

Bon Jovi - Always

                I say to you until the end of time
                I will love you..baby
                Always
                And I’ll be there forever

Butch Walker – Maybe It's just Me

                Cause I can’t live if you’re not happy
                I can’t live if you cry
                But I can live without you
                If it makes me smile

Butch Walker - Ships in a Bottle

                Everybody sleeps
                But I haven’t done that in the last few weeks or so
                …
                I can’t refill anything
                Especially my heart
                Especially my brain

Butch Walker –Wreck Me

                You Wreck me

Stereophonics - "Rewind"

Enuff Znuff- Missing You

I'm feelin' like I'm needin' a drink.
Here I am without you.
I can't go on I can't even think.
I'm a man who can't do
What I need to do
To get over you
After all that we've been through.
'Cause I'm wanting you
And I'm needing you,
And I'm missing you.
Oh, I'm missing you.
You left with out a trace
And no one can take your place.
'Cause I'm missing you.
'Cause I'm missing you.
I can't believe you're gone,
How am I to carry on?

I love you and I need you so much
But you're tearing me apart.
You've been so cold
You don't keep in touch
And all I want is a fresh start.
And I hope that I do
Get over you
After all that we've been though.
'Cause I'm wanting you
and I'm needing you.

Enuff Znuff – Bring it on home

Tear my heart out if I could,
I really wish I understood,
Just exactly made you go,
I feel that I deserve to know.
Now I'm out of control,
Of my head, of my soul.
I don't know where to go.
Baby bring it on home,
Bring it on home.
You've got a place of your own,
Baby bring it on home.
Bring it on home,
Baby bring it on home.
You've got a place of your own,
Baby bring it on home.

I wear my heart out on my sleeve,
There ain't no one I can deceive.
Everything around reminds me of
You're heading out of town and I'm in love.
With my head in my hand,
Do the best that I can.
I'm a lonely, lonely man.

Enuff Znuff – Baby Loves you

When you're baby loves you
Nothing's gonna hurt you 

Enuff Znuff – Fly High Michelle

I wish you were here.
And now I'll live a life
Of could have beens
Until new life begins.

"If I'd Found The Right Words To Say" – Snow Patrol 

 By Your Side - Enuff Znuff

 Right about now, if I'd found the right words to say

 I'd tell you you're safe and take hold of your hand

 I'll be there by your side for the rest of your life

 Our bodies could fall off the end of the world

 Something told me we'd be happy forever

 I don't see how this could change any of that

 I will follow your ghost as it climbs up the rock-face

 And lie with you on the grass above

 And I'd like to change all this

 And I'd like to wake up from this

 By your side

 How did we ever survive for this length of time?

 Living with only a care in the world

 But the light that shines from her

 Whenever she's happy is worth every minute that we've saved ourselves

 Maybe there's hope in just one final second

 A flash of her love as she waves us goodbye

 Don't torture yourself with what might have given

 We did everything that we could ever do

 And I'd like to chnge all this

 And I'd like to wake up form this

 By your side.

Songs to look at...

Paramore – All I wanted was you

Alisha Keys – If I Aint got you

Avril Lavigne – When you’re gone

Prince – nothing compares2 u

 Journey

Paul's Unveiling Eulogy (images below)

I don’t have the right words to say what I would like to say, so I’ll steal them from music.  I think what I am feeling is best said by Phil Collins…

So take a look at me now
There’s just an empty space
And there’s nothing left here to remind me
Just the memory of your face
Take a look at me now
And you coming back to me is against the odds
And that’s what I’ve got to face
I wish I could just make you turn around
Turn around and see me cry
There’s so much I want to say to you
And so many reasons why
You’re the only one who ever knew me at all

 I came across so many great lyrics in my quest to for the right epitaph.  I knew it had to show who Paul was, that it had to do with music and that it had to show our love for and from him.  I really wanted to use Chris Unck’s lyric that came out in a Butch Walker album after his death…

'Cause Today we're alive
But tomorrow, we could die
But I live knowing that I love
And I'll die knowing that I've loved

It was perfect but it was a little too morbid for some.  Then I thought about his childhood love of The Who.  He would watch the Isle of Wight and Woodstock concerts repetitively and when they would come to “Listening to You” he would say it was the pinnacle of the whole concert.  So, I had to use “Listening to you I get the music” because it was us and it is my stone as well .  We always got each other with music even if we didn’t always love each other’s taste.  We understood why the other loved it and could respect and appreciate that.  He even let me have my Cyndi Lauper and Sebastian Bach obsessions…

                I see your true colors shining through
                I see your true colors and that’s why I love you (CL)

                Through all the sleepless nights
                Through every endless day
                I wanna hear you say
                I remember you (Skid Row)

Coming back to Paul’s childhood, Iva was his mom growing up and he loved the Beatles so much he scratched all of Iva’s records trying to play them himself.  He played drums on pots and pans in the kitchen until Iva bought him his first drum set.   I just can’t help but repeating these Beatles quotes…

                And in the end the love you take is equal to the love you make

                I wake up to the sound of music…There will be an answer….Let it be.

                All the places had their moments
                With lovers and friends, I can still recall
                Some are dead and some are living
                In my life I’ve loved them all

That was Paul.  If he was your friend he was loyal and he would do anything for you.  He loved you unconditionally.

Paul was like John Lennon in that he felt

                All you need is love

He used to go to all these concerts KISS, Van Halen, movie theater showings of Led Zeppelin and The Who, Pink Floyd etc. 

Open your heart
 I'm coming home (PF)

                Try holding hands with the hands of time
                Your can’t erase the love that you gave to me
                You can’t put your arms around a memory (KIX)

If the sun refused to shine, I would still be loving you.
When mountains crumble to the sea, there will still be you and me. (Led Zeppelin)

I really love you baby
 I love what you've got (KISS)

And I know, baby, just how you feel.
You've got to roll with the punches to get to what's real (VH)

When we first met, he gave me a cassette tape of his band Mother Mary.  I loved it. 

                Life is only time (Life)

                Only time will tell if we will survive (only time will tell)

                I thought together we were locked in time
                But I’m the one sitting on the outside (Survive)

                And if I gave my love to you
                Is that a crime
                Cause that way I’m a champion
                Any place in time (Just another day)

                Time was at my feet and I was only trying to be me (Just another day)

                And you have to pray
                For another day (Just another day)

                Had you left this world
                Chase you (Just another day)

                I will breathe again
                It’s like a dream come true
                I’ll see you again
                I will try and live again   
                baby hold me back again
                And I will find something real and in my mind
                I’ll give my love a thousand times
                See me baby and I’ll go into this world
                And then baby we’ll know (Only time will tell)

I even tried using Mother Mary lyrics with my own for an epitaph

Remember what I told you
             Listen to what I say
             Remember when I showed you love
             And I’m never far away (Psychodrama)

Life is Only Time
             You made ours divine (Life)

He also introduced me to one of our favorites, I Mother Earth, who we even travelled to Canada to see.  He even said that my trip to Canada to see/help his band Mother Mary in the music fest in Toronto was when he realized I loved him and him me, even though we weren’t officially dating yet.

                I know that I will live and learn
                So more than survive
                I will endeavor

                I can’t change who I am now
                But I’ll be fine in the next life

Speaking of Mother Mary, they headlined for many unknowns at the time who later became huge such as Sevendust and one of Butch Walker’s offshoot bands (including a wine drinking night with Butch where we were so drunk we lost his demo CD on the train home).  Speaking of Butch Walker, Paul was a fan since his heavy metal debut.  Paul even covered Freak of The Week in his cover band Unhappy Annoying People.  As soon as I heard Marvelous 3 myself, I was hooked as a superfan.  Listening to Butch gives me comfort now as it always did.  Some of “our” songs are from him.

I want you
I need you
I can’t live without you…baby
So baby don’t move at all
Cause you’re about to break my fall
Stay where you are, staring at the stars
Don’t ever move at all

Damn Damn Damn I love you
Like the stars that shine above you

I almost used

Thinking of you with my last breath

But again it was too morbid, so it was only fitting to pick the lyrics for the epitaph,

                “Love was just a word until you showed it to me”

And that is not just for me but to everyone who he loved.  Paul was obsessed with “Closer to the Truth and Further From the Sky” which is a very spiritual and deep song where Butch says

Cause the static singes the speakers like
A thousand Hymns of inspiration.
And the road just winds through the canyon like,
A big black snake heading for salvation and I'm getting closer to the truth
And further from the sky.

It is very interesting in hindsight to really analyze that song.  Speaking of “our” songs, we picked Al Green’s “Let’s Stay Together”for our wedding song  because it is simple and classic and is about love, loyalty and commitment. Our wedding was a throwback.  Rocked out 60s music for the most part.  It’s almost ironic another way that we picked “Another One Bites The Dust” by Queen to come out to.  The wedding had songs with lyrics like

                I love you more today than yesterday
                But not as much as tomorrow

We picked another ironic song it seems.  We ended the wedding with Prince’s Purple Rain.  We love Prince and that song is one of our favorite songs. 

                I never meant to cause you any sorrow
                I never meant to cause you any pain
                I only wanted one time to see you laughing
                I only wanted to see you laughing in the purple rain

Paul always had a love for Styx.  When he first was learning drums, he wanted to play “Lady”

Love shines in your eyes
                Sparkling, clear and lovely

After Paul’s car accident took away his ability to play drums, Paul was known to say often that he accepts not being signed when he watches Todd play.  I chose a measure in Todd’s drummer companion book from a Styx song that was from the tour/album when we first met Todd.  I had it etched in the stone to show Paul was a drummer and to pay homage.

You could be the light
That shines so bright
You show the way to go
…
Every star above reflecting in your sea of love
…
You've got to rise above it all

Somewhere down the road that we follow
We'll be one with everything
…
And in my dreams I'm there by your side
Learning to fly again

The world we see
Is a mystery
But we hold the key
If we have the faith to live
And believe

Paul took me to so many concerts.  Some lyrics that stick out are from Enuff Z’nuff

                You left without a trace
                No one can take your place
                Cause I’m missing you

                I wish you were here
                And now I’ll live a life of has beens

                And I need you now
                To help me through
                To be the one
                I know is true
                To hold my hand
                To keep the faith
                To be my guard
                To be my strength

I even dragged Paul to a few like

                You set my soul alight - Muse

Look in my eyes
 You're killing me, killing me
 All I wanted was you (30 seconds to mars)

Then there were quotes from Paul himself and from bands that were very similar.  Paul said a few days before his death on a sports site

                “If you can’t dream, then you have nothing”

And the band he was most recently obsessed with, The Sterophonics said

Don’t be afraid to dream
Live n love n live free
Take my soul and live n love today
live n love n live free

Dream and be
What you feel
Don’t you compromise
What you wanna be

He loved the Stereophonics and seemed to always be drawn to drummers like Stuart Cable who passed way too soon like Keith Moon, John Bonham , Eric Carr, and Ricky Parent.  Who knew he would join the list?  Here are some more from Stu (Stereophonics)…

I look back at a beautiful life
Been the upper side of down

I feel I wanna hold you
Wanna Tell you
That you’ll be alright
Sang this song today
It’s recalling your pictures
All in my mind
I miss you now

On the plane home from Scotland I had exclusively the Sterophonics playing.  This song felt like Paul was speaking to me…

Think I’d like to stay a minute longer

Which gets me to Snow patrol, which I discovered after Paul’s death and although very different than what I usually like, the repetitive (which I usually don’t care for) and deep lyrics help sooth me.

                In the end
                In the end
                There’s nothing more to life than love
                is there
                …
                You are the torch
                And it all makes sense
                I’ve waited here for you forever

                I need your grace
                To remind me
                To find my own

All that I am
                All that I ever was
                Is here in your perfect eyes
                They’re all I can see

I guess I will end with some fitting quotes…

Snow Patrol

You’re the only thing real in all I’ve done…
Light Up Light Up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I’ll be right beside you dear…
To think that I might not see those eyes
Makes it so hard not to cry
And as we say our long goodbye
I nearly do

Jet

                We will meet again one day
                I will shine on wherever you are

I Mother Earth

Rise like the sun

The  Mayfield Four said (and that was the singer of the last band we were to see a day before I left for Scotland but we sold the tickets last minute)

                Carry on Carry on my friend

Finally, another Butch Walker quote

                If I could be your chains
                I’d fall from you
                And let you fly to the angels

Eternally Yours,

Your wife, lover and best friend of whom you have captured my essence, my soul, and my heart forever,

Love,

Barbara

Dear Paul,

I am having a really bad week and the rain doesn't help.  I cry at the drop of a hat and am walking around an exhausted sleepless zombie and miserable.  I have so many things to do for the Unveiling and get together Memorial Day weekend and am overwhelmed both physically, emotionally and financially.  I am also so upset because I feel like I can't remember everything about you and our life together as clearly as I once did and I keep picturing Marvin and Quincy keeping you warm when you passed and Marvin when I had to put him down. I also see everyone happy in their lives and me not.  I know I should live my life because that is what you want but sometimes it is so darned hard.   I am so sad.  I am quite miserable...worse than usual.  I miss you dreadfully.  Why?

Dog Tired

Ok... my first blog since posting from Scotland on the day of my husband's death.  I am writing here because I have been working for my job since yesterday at 8am and it is now 6:30am the next day.  I know I will too tired to write in my diary to Paul like I have since I started a few days after his funeral.  I just paid in full for the monument for my husband.  I am pooped.  I miss my doggie.  He is at my sis in laws for a sleep over.  He had his annual vet appointment today which he didn't enjoy.  I'm sure he will be all about waking up while I will want to sleep all day.  I hope I can drive home.  I miss you Paul and Marv.  I will love you both forever.  Why?
PS- I am sure this is like the worst blog post ever.  I will laugh later when I had a few hours of Zzzzz's.