Backyard Crossfit Gym DIY

This post is a work in progress...not yet done....

Plot out other holes and use spray paint to show center and diameter:

Second hole dug:

We used string to help make sure it stayed square while bracing the first 6"x 6" x 16':

Two poles cemented in and 1" galvanized pipe through the top.  We will tighter when we add the caps to each end:

And now there are four!  Posts are all cemented in and level.  

Need to drill holes through the front two posts to hang a bar at seven feet high.  Then on the two sides another bar at 9 feet high.  On the left side will be a wall.  the far side will be a rock climb.  The inner side will be for wall balls, wall climbs, handstand push-ups, etc.  Still need to hang the extension piece for the rope climb and don't forget the hooks for the hammock to rest in when done WODing!

Here it is without the scaffolding...

I will take a new picture soon so you can see what it looks liek now.  It now has the extension up for the 15 foot rope climb and another bar.  This bar is currently at 10 feet but we are lowering it to about 8 1/2 or 9 feet and the wall on the left side needs to get put up.  The braces are down.  I need to get a rubber mat.

Say Something...

Iva said I screamed out Paul's name in my sleep last night so I figured I would post today. 

This song is so beautfully sad and tragic to me.  It just speaks to me.  The video with all of the loss of loved ones...OMG. 

"Say Something" by Great Big World

Say something, I'm giving up on you
I'll be the one, if you want me to
Anywhere I would've followed you
Say something, I'm giving up on you

And I am feeling so small
It was over my head
I know nothing at all

And I will stumble and fall
I'm still learning to love
Just starting to crawl

Say something, I'm giving up on you
I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you
Anywhere I would've followed you
Say something, I'm giving up on you

And I will swallow my pride
You're the one that I love
And I'm saying goodbye

Say something, I'm giving up on you
And I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you
And anywhere I would've followed you (Oh-oh-oh-oh)
Say something, I'm giving up on you

Say something, I'm giving up on you
Say something...

You Can't Always Get What You Want...

...but you get what you need!  Totally stoked for the charity fundraiser tonight at the Bowery Ballroom called StonesFest (Rolling Stones covers).  Butch Walker will be a headliner!  I am in a good place in my life right now.  Sometimes bad things put everything back into perspective.  I was thinking of how I am turning 40 soon and without a big bash and how this could be my last big birthday on this earth like it was for Maryann and Paul who never made it to 50, when I found out that wonderful woman had just passed also in her 40s from a brain tumor.  She was beautiful inside and out.  It tore me apart on Monday.  That and the tornado and all the loss and devastation.  It makes me want to live for all those people that no longer can and the appreciate my friends, family, job, dog and house more...also a boyfriend who is wonderful and gets me and his family as well.  To thank whomever, deity or not, that is up that that I had previously scorned.  I am living now with no regrets.  I say what I feel.  I hold no embarrassment in that any more.  I never have to say I wish I had <insert whatever here>.  If I die today at least everyone knows how much I care or if they do I know they knew, too.  I love you all.

I will leave you with a Butch Walker lyric:

"Give me all your fear, Throw it all away.
and think about the good things, no matter what they say,
we'll take tomorrow baby, yeah,
one day at a time."

PS- the title is from the Rolling Stones

Don't worry, Be Happy

So today I am in a bit of a whimsical mood.  It is take your child to work day and I realize some things we do as adults, kids really pick up on.  They sometimes repeat them so be careful.  I also realize how intuitive young kids, the mentally impaired and older adults can be.  Sometimes you have to remember who is saying something and if they really even know how the phrasing of something can be hurtful and if they meant it that way.  If they didn't, just laugh it off and pick on them later if you must.  People get overwhelmed and have no clue sometimes.  It's just laughable to watch, if you can step away and look at it from afar.  Just wanted to put that out there in hopes that I help someone out in cyberworld (though no one reads this...I only blog to get out thoughts and feelings since Paul passed).  Just lighten up and enjoy the time you have on this earth.  You never know when your time will come (Led Zep ref).  It isn't worth it to live your life being stressed.  Appreciate it and live it.  Surround yourself with good people and good friends and things that interest you.  Don't worry, be happy (an old lame but fun 80s song thrown in).

If it comes back to you, it was yours forever.

If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, its yours forever. If it doesn’t, then it was never meant to be. - Unknown

This quote is so true and I am so glad I decided to listen for once and lay off.  Things are beautiful and almost immediately!  It is hard for me to not lead a relationship, but sometimes you have to just go with the flow and let the man feel like he's got the reins, for a while at least (until he gets lost).  LOL

Here are some quotes that I am feeling close to at the moment...

When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse
And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
Cold Play - Fix You

"So without saying much you know you really say something
Hold me to your chest I can feel your heart jumping
Take it easy mama we can go about it casually"
Butch Walker and the Black Widows - Sweethearts

"Yeah, it's plain to see (plain to see)
That baby you're beautiful
And there's nothing wrong with you
(Nothing wrong with you)
It's me, I'm a freak (yeah)
But thanks for lovin' me
Cause you're doing it perfectly
(It perfectly)"
"Just don't give up I'm workin it out
Please don't give in, I won't let you down"
Pink and Adam Lambert - Whataya Want from Me

"I need your patience and guidance
And all your lovin' and more
When thunder rolls through my life
Will you be able to weather the storm?
There's so much I would give ya, baby
If I'd only let myself"
"I'd rather bleed with cuts of love
Than live without any scars"
Pink - Love Song

Only Time Will Tell

I hate being sick.  Couldn't get out of bed, eat or drink since 10:30am yesterday until about 7:45am today.  I think a surprise visit by my boyfriend with Gatorade made me so much better.  If only that could have occurred 10 hours prior, but couldn't due to all these additional obligations taking up another 18 hours a week of his already lacking time.  Oh well.  I am going to live by what a new friend told me she lives by, "don't have any expections and you can't be dissappointed".  I will try this for a short time.  "Only Time Will Tell".  I have to be myself, but I also have to give this a full chance and right now there are so many outside factors affecting what would be a good thing.  I just have to wait, if I can, and see if things pan out.  I really hope they do because I think we are worth it.  Patience is not something I have an abundance of and there is also that I deserve time and not to have to wait at least a year for 10 hours to come back to me and I want to be a priority for once or at least when I am sick and alone with no food.

Today's title is from Paul's band Mother Mary

"Just Give Me a Reason" or be "Stuck in a Rutt"

So I am very confused about this whole dating thing.  I am so used to being the number one priority in Paul's life that I find hard to be last priority over everything else.  The only thing I believe I should be after in that list is someone's children.  This could just be because it is still a budding relationship and I will be 2nd priority always once I gain the love behind his heart that's barracaded.  It's definitely an adjustment.  I found myself competing with other things for time and didn't like myself for being so emotionally wrecked by this.  I have decided that I will not stress anymore and use the "if it comes back to you" theory.  If I don't become priority and somewhat soon I deserve more and will get more easily elsewhere.  I hate games.  I like honesty and I strive for it.  I just can't always rearrange my life to fit into someone else's as much as I want to spend time with him if he isn't even trying back.  It feels like someone who isn't into me and is selfish on his part.  I can't have someone constantly thinking I am guilting them to spend time with me or manipulating them or playing games when I am just being truthful about my feelings.  I am too nice, too innocent, too old and too sensitive to do any of that crap.  I don't like baggage and past girlfriend's bad characteristics being placed on me.  I also don't like banging up against people's emotional walls.  I am an open book.  I tell things as they are and don't like holding back my feelings.  I think it is important in a  relationship.  Just like me for who I am.  Accept me.  I am an amazing person and I am not trying to convince myself of that I know that.  I am beautiful inside and out.  If you don't appreciate me someone else will.  Stop trying to let things sort themselves out because you don't want to make waves or disappoint someone.  Just man up and make a decision.  Any decision on anything.  People will get over it.  If you feel bad you committed to something you don't have time for, then tell them.  Don't waste people's time or people's money or hurt those people closest to you while making up your mind.  Don't ignore them while they are growing into adults by not giving them your time.  Don't let someone else make the decision for you by ending it for you because you can't get the balls to say I can't do this.  Don't take it out on me just because you can.  Also, if you keep choosing something you don't even want to do anymore over me constantly you will lose me because it shows I mean less than something you don't like.  That will be your doing.  Hence the song Stuck in a Rutt by Stereophonics.  The song from Pink with Nate that also gained the half the title of this post reminds me of hope and what I would like to happen.  Let's wait and see.

P!nk and Nate Ruess - Just Give me a Reason

Oh, tear ducts and rust
I'll fix it for us
We're collecting dust
But our love's enough
You're holding it in
You're pouring a drink
No nothing is as bad as it seems
We'll come clean
Just give me a reason
Just a little bit's enough
Just a second we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
It's in the stars
It's been written in the scars on our hearts
We're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again

Here is what the whole post is about ...
Stuck in a Rutt by the Streophonics

You make do with your lot,
You got a choice to make,
You gotta follow your gut,
Your heads in a state,
You're stuck in a rut,
You're wasting days,
Time don't wait so..

What you've got is long gone
Draw a line in the sand
Your poker face is shot
I can see through your hand
Stop lying to yourself
Gotta make new plans
Time don't wait for no man

You're stuck in a rut and your life is forgotten

Be Good Until Then

I have been listening to Butch Walker again a lot lately.  It just soothes me.  Then I started getting lots of signals from Paul like songs coming on the radio when I wanted to talk to him (and Styx always on around Iva and me).  I also got some phone calls all in a row from very close friends just when I needed them.  Then Stacy posted a Butch Walker experience and tagged me in it.  I think Paul is still around.  I hope he sees I am trying to be happy and enjoy the rest of my life since his was taken way too early.  I just listened to this song that always spoke to me since his death.  It was written from Butch to his son, but it is just a song that is very deep.  It's called "Be Good Until Then" ("and it's ok to cry when you feel it coming on.  It'll let you know you're human in the end...").  Just listen to it and reflect.  Another one that got me was "Maybe It's Just Me".  ("...and I can live without you if it makes you smile").  Gosh so many of his songs speak to me like "Promise" who your good Butch Walker friend just posted today ("...and I promise I will love you like nobody can").  I think in this life we all just want to love and be loved in return.  I had that and miss that but all will come in time.  At least I've had one great love.  More than most.  I am very lucky.

I Hear You Knocking, But You Can't Come In (or get out)

I just have to say that only I could get myself locked in my own bedroom!  After trying to jimmy the door open, remove the door pins, call people, and wiggle the knob (I couldn't pop the knob off because unlike a normal house that side was on the opposite side of the door from the lock),   I decide to fist the door and yell.  Then magically the knob turned and I got out.  My credit cards, tools and any other useful item was outside my room.  Couldn't go out the window because keys were outside my room.  I think it was Paul playing a practical joke.  I did once lock him in once.  Guess I know what's on my agenda for tonight!

I Won't Give Up

So I have been talking on how I am obsessed with Daryl Hall and his show.  I originally hated Jason Mraz because his song "I'm Yours" was so overplayed I couldn't stand it and somehow categorised it as cheese.  Well I take it all back.  He really is a talent and I love his song "I Won't Give Up".  See it on Daryl's show here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-3TJlTLjxKo and here
http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/jasonmraz/iwontgiveup.html are the lyrics.  Check it out.

That said, I have to write something very personal.  When I came down with pneumonia I was coughing and involuntarily vomiting often.  I started not being able to breathe, I was not in a good place mentally or physically.  When I really thought I was done for, I called Iva and said take care of Quincy I am calling an ambulance.  I really was ready to call this life quits and make amends spiritually and was ready and resigned to see Paul again.  I felt this utter sense of peace at that.  Then, everyone visited me or reached out to me...my sister, my dad, Iva, friends, family, etc.  I felt guilt if I were to leave them.  That they would feel hurt for my loss.  I tried to get better and listen to the doctor's orders the best I could.  During that time, I never felt so alone  even with people constantly around me caring for me.  I have friends that told me after I snapped out of this dark mental place that they thought my depression was going to kill me because it was affecting me so much physically.  I decided one day that if I am going to live the time Paul never had that I have to really live and not live in the past.  I also promised myself to never go to that dark place ever again and that Paul would never want that for me. Any excuses for not moving on or guilt were coming from me and me only.  Paul (and I realize now also his friends and family) would only want me happy.  Well, as crappy as this hurricane is it has made me move forward in ways I never thought I'd be ready for.  I don't think I was/am ready but I am giving it my all.  I am becoming myself again and smiling and living.  I will never lose Paul in my heart.  He will always be embedded in my soul with an unbreakable chain.  A really beautiful person recently told me that it is not that you are extinguishing the love you had by trying again, but more like the light from one candle is igniting another and spreading the light and love to another and sharing the warmth.  I probably have that a bit off, but that is the sense of it.  Anyway, being understood and able to share in everything is very important and that is what I am doing both here and in life.  I love all my friends and family and want you all in my life.  I am just starting a new one with beautiful memories of the most wonderful soul I ever met that taught me life, love and music.  I love you Paul and always will.  "I won't give up" on myself again or what you have tried to give me...confidence in myself and strength and your love.

The Light From Your Star is Glowing

So I have been re-obsessed with Daryl Hall lately like I was in my childhood.  Butch Walker had made me swoon when he all of a sudden started to cover Rich Girl a few years back.  I remember my dad got me Big Bam Boom (I think that was the name) when I was in elementary school.  It was one of the only cool music tapes he ever got me on his own.  Anyway, after Butch Walker tweeted that he was on one of the episodes of Daryl's show, "Live at Daryl's House", I became beset again.  I always loved Daryl's music and so did Paul (which is actually shocking to me).  Anyway, we meant to try and see him if he ever played around.  It just didn't happen in his lifetime.  I watched the song Butch did with Daryl, "Why Was it so Easy" over and over and over and the complexity and chord progressions of that song are incredible.  I never noticed that before.  I was more into the more commerical songs.  Then, I found out that my sister in law was on the label that did one of Hall and Oates's albums.  When they were recording the song "Adult Education" they called her in to do some background with a few others so it would sound like school girls.  She met both Daryl and John and was impressed.  Now I am engrossed with the song "Sara Smile".  Never really paid attention to its complexity before and had previously thought it a boring song.  Now I see the genious in it...

    I can feel you watching in the night
    All alone with me and we're waiting for the sunlight
    When I feel cold you warm me
    And when I feel I can't go on, you come and hold me
    It's you and me forever.....

Paul, no matter what, you will be forever embedded in my heart.  You will never lose your place.

PS- the title is from "Why was it so Easy" by Daryl Hall.

Wish you were here

Dear Paul,
I feel so lonely all the time and hate that I can't talk to you (well I could but I won't be hearing a response). I miss you so much...you and M. The house is so quiet with just Q and me. Being sick and not being able to do anything and being in the house makes it so much more profound. I love you. I will never understand why you were taken well before your time and I will never get over it or stop loving you. Why?

Title is from Pink Floyd

Dead to Me

I am extremely upset today.  The birth of a child is miraculous and a gift.  It isn't supposed to make someone so upset they can't function.  It is a Jewish tradition to name a child after a deceased family member.  Paul's both parents are deceased as well as him.  His niece's first son was named after the husband's (who the husband is Italian and not part of the naming tradition) grandfather and a grandfather on the paternal side that the niece never met and who was supposed to not be very nice.  This was instead of grandparents on the maternal side that loved them (not to mention the grandmother, Paul's mother, was a Haulocaust survivor) and a paternal grandmother that they did know and loved and both grandmothers shared the same initial A.  When Paul was alive, he was so upset, he didn't see the child or attend the Bris (though we did send a gift with his sister Iva).  he would have calmed down but he didn't get the opportunity.  I didn't go becasue of Paul's hurt and because I had to work and they gave me no prior notice.  Paul died without ever meeting his grandnephew.  I met him at Paul's burial.  I also met the grandnephew at a Jewish holiday and it made me cry watching them as a happy family as I was miserable.  They seemed so not affected by Paul's passing though Paul tried so hard to be a good uncle even though there was only like 10 years age difference between the two.  Anyway, the new son was born and I myself told his niece why Paul didn't see the nephew.  Though it maybe considered petty by an outsider, Paul was extremely hurt and distraught that they didn't name the son after anyone on the maternal side.  Especially when we all discussed names with A and how important it was to him/us before the baby was born.  So once the new baby was conceived and the due date was announced to be Paul's birthday, I got extremely upset and so did Iva, so much so that Iva told her sister that if the baby comes on Paul's birthday and isn't named after Paul she is done with them.  I tended to agree.  Then, I prayed that the baby wouldn't come on Paul's birthday so that they could celebrate every year when I was in utter dispair.  They didn't desrve his good name.  I and Iva just hoped and prayed the baby would come another day and it would be named after one of the maternal grandparents, even if a middle name.  Well, I stayed up well past midnight on Paul's birthday to 3am and then when there was no call the next morning I breathed a sigh of relief.  The baby was born today.  A message was left on Iva's answering machine and it was mentioned that the baby was not named after Paul on the message and the name is Matthew...M...the same initial used last time for the last baby.  I am done.  I am now done releasing my grief in words, now I will continue expunging with tears.  Paul, if he were still alive, would have never spoken to his niece again if she didn't name now the second son after his parents.  Call it petty.  Call it what you wish, but when Paul was done he cut you off.  He was loyal to a fault, but when he was betrayed, he never forgot.  I have to do what he would have wanted me to.  I am going to rewrite what was our will today.

Testosterone Poisoning

Yuck. Why do pompous male chauvinistic ugly men who, because they have lots of money, think they can any woman they want?  This is the guy who came to give a quote to fix my sister in law’s house.  Did I mention that he is married and bragging about his house, kids and wife.  Triple gross.  Also, even worse is when he checks me out in front of my sister in law as we are talking about my poor husband’s passing.  Of course I am oblivious to it thank god.  Obviously this guy is hurting for work or he wouldn’t be calling at 8AM the next morning for pricing he did the night before.  On top of all that, he was upset when I cut him off and finished his sentences while he was going on and on because I couldn’t wait for him to get to the point with his slow moving brain.  He was even more pissy when he realized I knew what I was talking about when it comes to construction.  Most males are shocked, but not so taken aback by it.  A girl with looks and brains and mechanical thinking.  Unheard of in his prehistoric brain.  Like that can’t happen in life.  I wonder if his wife is homely and smart or a bombshell with more weight in her boobs than her noggin.

This guy reminds me of the girl in the song below...

Did you come up to me
So your night would be cheaper
Did you make up your mind
About me from the start

Did you come here tonight
To find something deeper
Or did you just follow me home
'Cause you're afraid of the dark
...

--"Last Night" by Carolina Liar

Here I come to save the day...Or NOT

I was so exhausted yesterday and dizzy that I decided to work half a day from home.  At some point I turned the TV on and Superman III was on.  I left it and started looking at the TV every once in a while thinking about how Christopher Reeve was whole and an icon.  Then I was remembering him as more of a hero in a wheelchair and vying to help others with spinal injuries like him.  Then I got really angry remembering how Paul had run his fundraiser and spoke almost daily with Christopher Reeve's daughter during the process and how he had thought her a friend.  What kind of friend doesn't call back or doesn't send an email or a card to the widow of someone who is not only supposed to be their friend but who stood up for the foundation and gave them the money from the charity event (even though Lucky Laces and he did all the work, spent all the money and did all the promotion for the event)?  OK, this has been stewing for over a year.  Not only did they not mention Paul's passing in any way (just like they never promoted the Charity event themselves), but they never even had a lackey send me a card.  Anyway, had to get that out.  Oh and I called her work number, her personal cell and sent a text.  Lucky Laces alerted her as well.  She did not call them or me.  Shame on you for tarnishing your good father's name and the foundation he and your mom set up.

PS- the quote today was partially from Mighty Mouse (and it also makes me think of Andy Kaufman who Paul loved).

Summertime In The Void

I have been in a shit mood for days.  I think the family get together really upset me.  Everyone was coupled and most with kids and some with grandkids.  Except for my sister, whose chose it is to be by herself, I was the only one alone.  I have never felt so alone.  I am lonely and missing Paul something fierce.  I got happy yesterday for about thirty seconds when I noticed a new I Mother Earth song and that they were on tour again.  I wanted to tell Paul and we would have figured out a way to get there even if we both went separately so not to upset Marvin.  Then I thought, this is one more thing Paul didn’t get to see in his lifetime…an IME reunion and new song.  Then I said, who would even go with me to a show or get IME like we both did?  I think about my friends that try to be there and how I just can’t pick up the phone to talk or be a friend to them.  How can I?  I am miserable.  How can I listen to daily goings on or be supportive when people need me?  I try as I do, there is a part of me that just doesn’t give a rats ass about anything.  I just want Paul and Marvin back.  I know I am not moving on as I get lectured by ignorant people and that make things a million times worst because they don’t get it and hurt me more by the stupid things they say, meant from the heart or not.  I will move on when or if I am ready and not before.  I don’t need to be lectured.   I don’t need things pointed out to me.  I am a pretty smart person and I see things as they are and I can turn the mirror on myself better than most.  I am allowed to feel like this sometimes.  I feel I have been strong for a long time.  Now I am allowed some few days of sulking.  Sometimes I wish to be just left alone.  I pile on the guilt of missing out on important things that should mean something to me, but that is my nature.  I hope this blog becomes useful to some.  That is its purpose.  I am really not trying to piss anyone off, just to be very honest and truthful to myself and to get those feelings expressed so that anyone else going through something similar won’t feel as alone as I.  Yes, I know I am not alone and that if I am it is of my own making, but the fact is that is how I feel.
 

“No time or presence
Of mind to wonder why
No time for questions of
Why I wonder why
Something's wrong...again
The noise shakes the ground
…

And then you long
For the days of trippin' down
The long road just reading the
Signs that show you the way to
A higher place you meditate to
Feel the quiet of the earth
That was back
When we used to be alright”

-I Mother Earth (Used to be Alight)

PS- the title is the same of the Song "Summertime in the Void" by I Mother Earth (IME)

You left without a trace. No one can take your place. I'm missing you.

Just found this:

---

From: uapeople
Sent: Thursday, December 21, 2006 2:53 PM
To: Barbara Voss
Subject: you

i just wanted to let you know that you are like wine!

you get more beautiful every day!

I love you!

Paul

 

PS- title is from Enuff Z'Nuff

So yes, she died because of me. Because I loved her. Because I had the wrong name....

Didn't feel good yesterday.  Such a pounding sinus headache all day.  Hopefully I'm not getting sick.  Tried to retire early at 8PM.  I put the TV on and the English Patient had started 15 minutes prior.  I decided to watch it.  It was really long and I paused it to take a shower.  Well, needless to say it ending at 11:15PM or so and I am crying.  I can't sleep becasue the combo of the shower and the sadness that had me crying all over for all those I've lost...and the movie.  Good movie though.  Slow moving but good.  I decide to watch Design Star which I taped previously.  Somewhere after midnight I finally fell asleep.  Add that to the night before where I just had to start and finish a book the same day it was released.  Jeaniene Frost's new book Once Burned is about Vlad Dracul Basarab (the Impaler) who I love love love.  She is my favorite author immediately behind Diana Gabaldon (who is one of JF's favorites, too).  After that it is a crap shoot for other favorite authors.  Charlaine Harris used to be there, but my love has dwindled in the last few books.  Anyway, I digress.  Hopefully I will not be sick and be rested for my trip to PA tomorrow to see Steve, Keri, Todd and watch Styx.

PS- Today's title is from the English Patient

Butch Walker's post on Paul

http://butchwalker.com/post/5821835975/our-good-friend-and-biggest-fan-paul-kuznetz

 

our good friend and biggest fan Paul Kuznetz passed away unexpectedly last night. he was a good soul with a rock n roll spirit that could not be contained. me and the Widows send our condolences to the family and hope everyone else will take the time to respect the time you have here on this planet… Paul went too soon…..
much love, Paul.
Butch and the Black Widows

As You Wish

I have to repost this.  Paul and I wanted to both get a black widow spider matching...the one from Butch Walker's band.  I just saw this and tears are streaming down my eyes.  This is so very sweet and touching and binds Butch and his dad together in one more way.  I just have no words.  I wish Paul and I had gotten the tattoos.  I wish so many things...

http://instagr.am/p/MO86K0lDmw/

PS- the quote is from the Princess Bride