Testosterone Poisoning

Yuck. Why do pompous male chauvinistic ugly men who, because they have lots of money, think they can any woman they want?  This is the guy who came to give a quote to fix my sister in law’s house.  Did I mention that he is married and bragging about his house, kids and wife.  Triple gross.  Also, even worse is when he checks me out in front of my sister in law as we are talking about my poor husband’s passing.  Of course I am oblivious to it thank god.  Obviously this guy is hurting for work or he wouldn’t be calling at 8AM the next morning for pricing he did the night before.  On top of all that, he was upset when I cut him off and finished his sentences while he was going on and on because I couldn’t wait for him to get to the point with his slow moving brain.  He was even more pissy when he realized I knew what I was talking about when it comes to construction.  Most males are shocked, but not so taken aback by it.  A girl with looks and brains and mechanical thinking.  Unheard of in his prehistoric brain.  Like that can’t happen in life.  I wonder if his wife is homely and smart or a bombshell with more weight in her boobs than her noggin.

This guy reminds me of the girl in the song below...

Did you come up to me
So your night would be cheaper
Did you make up your mind
About me from the start

Did you come here tonight
To find something deeper
Or did you just follow me home
'Cause you're afraid of the dark
...

--"Last Night" by Carolina Liar

Here I come to save the day...Or NOT

I was so exhausted yesterday and dizzy that I decided to work half a day from home.  At some point I turned the TV on and Superman III was on.  I left it and started looking at the TV every once in a while thinking about how Christopher Reeve was whole and an icon.  Then I was remembering him as more of a hero in a wheelchair and vying to help others with spinal injuries like him.  Then I got really angry remembering how Paul had run his fundraiser and spoke almost daily with Christopher Reeve's daughter during the process and how he had thought her a friend.  What kind of friend doesn't call back or doesn't send an email or a card to the widow of someone who is not only supposed to be their friend but who stood up for the foundation and gave them the money from the charity event (even though Lucky Laces and he did all the work, spent all the money and did all the promotion for the event)?  OK, this has been stewing for over a year.  Not only did they not mention Paul's passing in any way (just like they never promoted the Charity event themselves), but they never even had a lackey send me a card.  Anyway, had to get that out.  Oh and I called her work number, her personal cell and sent a text.  Lucky Laces alerted her as well.  She did not call them or me.  Shame on you for tarnishing your good father's name and the foundation he and your mom set up.

PS- the quote today was partially from Mighty Mouse (and it also makes me think of Andy Kaufman who Paul loved).

Summertime In The Void

I have been in a shit mood for days.  I think the family get together really upset me.  Everyone was coupled and most with kids and some with grandkids.  Except for my sister, whose chose it is to be by herself, I was the only one alone.  I have never felt so alone.  I am lonely and missing Paul something fierce.  I got happy yesterday for about thirty seconds when I noticed a new I Mother Earth song and that they were on tour again.  I wanted to tell Paul and we would have figured out a way to get there even if we both went separately so not to upset Marvin.  Then I thought, this is one more thing Paul didn’t get to see in his lifetime…an IME reunion and new song.  Then I said, who would even go with me to a show or get IME like we both did?  I think about my friends that try to be there and how I just can’t pick up the phone to talk or be a friend to them.  How can I?  I am miserable.  How can I listen to daily goings on or be supportive when people need me?  I try as I do, there is a part of me that just doesn’t give a rats ass about anything.  I just want Paul and Marvin back.  I know I am not moving on as I get lectured by ignorant people and that make things a million times worst because they don’t get it and hurt me more by the stupid things they say, meant from the heart or not.  I will move on when or if I am ready and not before.  I don’t need to be lectured.   I don’t need things pointed out to me.  I am a pretty smart person and I see things as they are and I can turn the mirror on myself better than most.  I am allowed to feel like this sometimes.  I feel I have been strong for a long time.  Now I am allowed some few days of sulking.  Sometimes I wish to be just left alone.  I pile on the guilt of missing out on important things that should mean something to me, but that is my nature.  I hope this blog becomes useful to some.  That is its purpose.  I am really not trying to piss anyone off, just to be very honest and truthful to myself and to get those feelings expressed so that anyone else going through something similar won’t feel as alone as I.  Yes, I know I am not alone and that if I am it is of my own making, but the fact is that is how I feel.
 

“No time or presence
Of mind to wonder why
No time for questions of
Why I wonder why
Something's wrong...again
The noise shakes the ground
…

And then you long
For the days of trippin' down
The long road just reading the
Signs that show you the way to
A higher place you meditate to
Feel the quiet of the earth
That was back
When we used to be alright”

-I Mother Earth (Used to be Alight)

PS- the title is the same of the Song "Summertime in the Void" by I Mother Earth (IME)

You left without a trace. No one can take your place. I'm missing you.

Just found this:

---

From: uapeople
Sent: Thursday, December 21, 2006 2:53 PM
To: Barbara Voss
Subject: you

i just wanted to let you know that you are like wine!

you get more beautiful every day!

I love you!

Paul

 

PS- title is from Enuff Z'Nuff

So yes, she died because of me. Because I loved her. Because I had the wrong name....

Didn't feel good yesterday.  Such a pounding sinus headache all day.  Hopefully I'm not getting sick.  Tried to retire early at 8PM.  I put the TV on and the English Patient had started 15 minutes prior.  I decided to watch it.  It was really long and I paused it to take a shower.  Well, needless to say it ending at 11:15PM or so and I am crying.  I can't sleep becasue the combo of the shower and the sadness that had me crying all over for all those I've lost...and the movie.  Good movie though.  Slow moving but good.  I decide to watch Design Star which I taped previously.  Somewhere after midnight I finally fell asleep.  Add that to the night before where I just had to start and finish a book the same day it was released.  Jeaniene Frost's new book Once Burned is about Vlad Dracul Basarab (the Impaler) who I love love love.  She is my favorite author immediately behind Diana Gabaldon (who is one of JF's favorites, too).  After that it is a crap shoot for other favorite authors.  Charlaine Harris used to be there, but my love has dwindled in the last few books.  Anyway, I digress.  Hopefully I will not be sick and be rested for my trip to PA tomorrow to see Steve, Keri, Todd and watch Styx.

PS- Today's title is from the English Patient

Butch Walker's post on Paul

http://butchwalker.com/post/5821835975/our-good-friend-and-biggest-fan-paul-kuznetz

 

our good friend and biggest fan Paul Kuznetz passed away unexpectedly last night. he was a good soul with a rock n roll spirit that could not be contained. me and the Widows send our condolences to the family and hope everyone else will take the time to respect the time you have here on this planet… Paul went too soon…..
much love, Paul.
Butch and the Black Widows

As You Wish

I have to repost this.  Paul and I wanted to both get a black widow spider matching...the one from Butch Walker's band.  I just saw this and tears are streaming down my eyes.  This is so very sweet and touching and binds Butch and his dad together in one more way.  I just have no words.  I wish Paul and I had gotten the tattoos.  I wish so many things...

http://instagr.am/p/MO86K0lDmw/

PS- the quote is from the Princess Bride