Only Time Will Tell

I hate being sick.  Couldn't get out of bed, eat or drink since 10:30am yesterday until about 7:45am today.  I think a surprise visit by my boyfriend with Gatorade made me so much better.  If only that could have occurred 10 hours prior, but couldn't due to all these additional obligations taking up another 18 hours a week of his already lacking time.  Oh well.  I am going to live by what a new friend told me she lives by, "don't have any expections and you can't be dissappointed".  I will try this for a short time.  "Only Time Will Tell".  I have to be myself, but I also have to give this a full chance and right now there are so many outside factors affecting what would be a good thing.  I just have to wait, if I can, and see if things pan out.  I really hope they do because I think we are worth it.  Patience is not something I have an abundance of and there is also that I deserve time and not to have to wait at least a year for 10 hours to come back to me and I want to be a priority for once or at least when I am sick and alone with no food.

Today's title is from Paul's band Mother Mary

"Just Give Me a Reason" or be "Stuck in a Rutt"

So I am very confused about this whole dating thing.  I am so used to being the number one priority in Paul's life that I find hard to be last priority over everything else.  The only thing I believe I should be after in that list is someone's children.  This could just be because it is still a budding relationship and I will be 2nd priority always once I gain the love behind his heart that's barracaded.  It's definitely an adjustment.  I found myself competing with other things for time and didn't like myself for being so emotionally wrecked by this.  I have decided that I will not stress anymore and use the "if it comes back to you" theory.  If I don't become priority and somewhat soon I deserve more and will get more easily elsewhere.  I hate games.  I like honesty and I strive for it.  I just can't always rearrange my life to fit into someone else's as much as I want to spend time with him if he isn't even trying back.  It feels like someone who isn't into me and is selfish on his part.  I can't have someone constantly thinking I am guilting them to spend time with me or manipulating them or playing games when I am just being truthful about my feelings.  I am too nice, too innocent, too old and too sensitive to do any of that crap.  I don't like baggage and past girlfriend's bad characteristics being placed on me.  I also don't like banging up against people's emotional walls.  I am an open book.  I tell things as they are and don't like holding back my feelings.  I think it is important in a  relationship.  Just like me for who I am.  Accept me.  I am an amazing person and I am not trying to convince myself of that I know that.  I am beautiful inside and out.  If you don't appreciate me someone else will.  Stop trying to let things sort themselves out because you don't want to make waves or disappoint someone.  Just man up and make a decision.  Any decision on anything.  People will get over it.  If you feel bad you committed to something you don't have time for, then tell them.  Don't waste people's time or people's money or hurt those people closest to you while making up your mind.  Don't ignore them while they are growing into adults by not giving them your time.  Don't let someone else make the decision for you by ending it for you because you can't get the balls to say I can't do this.  Don't take it out on me just because you can.  Also, if you keep choosing something you don't even want to do anymore over me constantly you will lose me because it shows I mean less than something you don't like.  That will be your doing.  Hence the song Stuck in a Rutt by Stereophonics.  The song from Pink with Nate that also gained the half the title of this post reminds me of hope and what I would like to happen.  Let's wait and see.

P!nk and Nate Ruess - Just Give me a Reason

Oh, tear ducts and rust
I'll fix it for us
We're collecting dust
But our love's enough
You're holding it in
You're pouring a drink
No nothing is as bad as it seems
We'll come clean
Just give me a reason
Just a little bit's enough
Just a second we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
It's in the stars
It's been written in the scars on our hearts
We're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again

Here is what the whole post is about ...
Stuck in a Rutt by the Streophonics

You make do with your lot,
You got a choice to make,
You gotta follow your gut,
Your heads in a state,
You're stuck in a rut,
You're wasting days,
Time don't wait so..

What you've got is long gone
Draw a line in the sand
Your poker face is shot
I can see through your hand
Stop lying to yourself
Gotta make new plans
Time don't wait for no man

You're stuck in a rut and your life is forgotten

Be Good Until Then

I have been listening to Butch Walker again a lot lately.  It just soothes me.  Then I started getting lots of signals from Paul like songs coming on the radio when I wanted to talk to him (and Styx always on around Iva and me).  I also got some phone calls all in a row from very close friends just when I needed them.  Then Stacy posted a Butch Walker experience and tagged me in it.  I think Paul is still around.  I hope he sees I am trying to be happy and enjoy the rest of my life since his was taken way too early.  I just listened to this song that always spoke to me since his death.  It was written from Butch to his son, but it is just a song that is very deep.  It's called "Be Good Until Then" ("and it's ok to cry when you feel it coming on.  It'll let you know you're human in the end...").  Just listen to it and reflect.  Another one that got me was "Maybe It's Just Me".  ("...and I can live without you if it makes you smile").  Gosh so many of his songs speak to me like "Promise" who your good Butch Walker friend just posted today ("...and I promise I will love you like nobody can").  I think in this life we all just want to love and be loved in return.  I had that and miss that but all will come in time.  At least I've had one great love.  More than most.  I am very lucky.

I Hear You Knocking, But You Can't Come In (or get out)

I just have to say that only I could get myself locked in my own bedroom!  After trying to jimmy the door open, remove the door pins, call people, and wiggle the knob (I couldn't pop the knob off because unlike a normal house that side was on the opposite side of the door from the lock),   I decide to fist the door and yell.  Then magically the knob turned and I got out.  My credit cards, tools and any other useful item was outside my room.  Couldn't go out the window because keys were outside my room.  I think it was Paul playing a practical joke.  I did once lock him in once.  Guess I know what's on my agenda for tonight!

I Won't Give Up

So I have been talking on how I am obsessed with Daryl Hall and his show.  I originally hated Jason Mraz because his song "I'm Yours" was so overplayed I couldn't stand it and somehow categorised it as cheese.  Well I take it all back.  He really is a talent and I love his song "I Won't Give Up".  See it on Daryl's show here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-3TJlTLjxKo and here
http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/jasonmraz/iwontgiveup.html are the lyrics.  Check it out.

That said, I have to write something very personal.  When I came down with pneumonia I was coughing and involuntarily vomiting often.  I started not being able to breathe, I was not in a good place mentally or physically.  When I really thought I was done for, I called Iva and said take care of Quincy I am calling an ambulance.  I really was ready to call this life quits and make amends spiritually and was ready and resigned to see Paul again.  I felt this utter sense of peace at that.  Then, everyone visited me or reached out to me...my sister, my dad, Iva, friends, family, etc.  I felt guilt if I were to leave them.  That they would feel hurt for my loss.  I tried to get better and listen to the doctor's orders the best I could.  During that time, I never felt so alone  even with people constantly around me caring for me.  I have friends that told me after I snapped out of this dark mental place that they thought my depression was going to kill me because it was affecting me so much physically.  I decided one day that if I am going to live the time Paul never had that I have to really live and not live in the past.  I also promised myself to never go to that dark place ever again and that Paul would never want that for me. Any excuses for not moving on or guilt were coming from me and me only.  Paul (and I realize now also his friends and family) would only want me happy.  Well, as crappy as this hurricane is it has made me move forward in ways I never thought I'd be ready for.  I don't think I was/am ready but I am giving it my all.  I am becoming myself again and smiling and living.  I will never lose Paul in my heart.  He will always be embedded in my soul with an unbreakable chain.  A really beautiful person recently told me that it is not that you are extinguishing the love you had by trying again, but more like the light from one candle is igniting another and spreading the light and love to another and sharing the warmth.  I probably have that a bit off, but that is the sense of it.  Anyway, being understood and able to share in everything is very important and that is what I am doing both here and in life.  I love all my friends and family and want you all in my life.  I am just starting a new one with beautiful memories of the most wonderful soul I ever met that taught me life, love and music.  I love you Paul and always will.  "I won't give up" on myself again or what you have tried to give me...confidence in myself and strength and your love.

The Light From Your Star is Glowing

So I have been re-obsessed with Daryl Hall lately like I was in my childhood.  Butch Walker had made me swoon when he all of a sudden started to cover Rich Girl a few years back.  I remember my dad got me Big Bam Boom (I think that was the name) when I was in elementary school.  It was one of the only cool music tapes he ever got me on his own.  Anyway, after Butch Walker tweeted that he was on one of the episodes of Daryl's show, "Live at Daryl's House", I became beset again.  I always loved Daryl's music and so did Paul (which is actually shocking to me).  Anyway, we meant to try and see him if he ever played around.  It just didn't happen in his lifetime.  I watched the song Butch did with Daryl, "Why Was it so Easy" over and over and over and the complexity and chord progressions of that song are incredible.  I never noticed that before.  I was more into the more commerical songs.  Then, I found out that my sister in law was on the label that did one of Hall and Oates's albums.  When they were recording the song "Adult Education" they called her in to do some background with a few others so it would sound like school girls.  She met both Daryl and John and was impressed.  Now I am engrossed with the song "Sara Smile".  Never really paid attention to its complexity before and had previously thought it a boring song.  Now I see the genious in it...

    I can feel you watching in the night
    All alone with me and we're waiting for the sunlight
    When I feel cold you warm me
    And when I feel I can't go on, you come and hold me
    It's you and me forever.....

Paul, no matter what, you will be forever embedded in my heart.  You will never lose your place.

PS- the title is from "Why was it so Easy" by Daryl Hall.

Wish you were here

Dear Paul,
I feel so lonely all the time and hate that I can't talk to you (well I could but I won't be hearing a response). I miss you so much...you and M. The house is so quiet with just Q and me. Being sick and not being able to do anything and being in the house makes it so much more profound. I love you. I will never understand why you were taken well before your time and I will never get over it or stop loving you. Why?

Title is from Pink Floyd